


Never Forget

by FinaTeh



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-21
Updated: 2014-07-24
Packaged: 2018-02-09 20:15:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 39,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1996320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FinaTeh/pseuds/FinaTeh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A girl meets boy story.<br/>Told from the point of view of a tomboy high school senior named Fay as she meets a man who is both older and younger than she is, if you can believe it.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue - Going Back

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to my late father, who gave me the starting motivation to write this story and believed what I write can be good enough for publication.  
> Thank you, Papa. Let's start small first. :)

 

I need to sleep more.

The morning seems a bit airy today. Nobody’s at the train station but me. Okay, I may be over-exaggerating that fact, but it might as well have been that way. There are several people waiting with me at the platform here, but there is no bustling noise of the crowd. Even the atmosphere sounds a little bit too quiet. I guess it’s too early that people would want to catch some sleep. After all, this is the period of time when waking up at noon is no longer considered an outrageous behaviour.

I look at my watch. It’s thirty minutes before my train comes. I still have some time to grab something to eat. That’s somewhat my hobby recently. Gobbling on food. You can find me munching at some cake in front of the fridge at midnight. I don’t know why, but I get hungry easily these days. Maybe it’s because I’m off on this trip back home that it’s making feel so nervous that I develop some sort of obsessive eating disorder. But I didn’t have my breakfast yet today, right? There’s no need to feel any guilt.

Well, all I can grab is some hotdog a cranky old guy was selling nearby. Ugh, he didn’t have to be so grumpy, especially since it is morning. Really, who sells hotdogs in the morning? As I reach the platform again with the large hotdog wrapped in paper in my right hand, I check my watch.

Another fifteen minutes. Seeing my watch suddenly makes my heart beat louder and faster. It’s not like I’m about to face death or anything. But it feels like that. It feels almost like death, but why? I quickly munch on my hotdog. It’s practically tasteless, with just ketchup and mustard, but I don’t care. Anything to get this uneasy feeling out.

Oh God, the train’s here. It’s approaching. Why does it suddenly look so monstrously big? I mean, it looked like a tiny spec from a distance. How can things deceive me like this? Why does my heart feel like jumping out of my chest? What the hell am I talking about?

I take a deep breath and grab my black, conveniently-sized travel bag and step into the air-conditioned train. I take a seat by the window as tons of people enter the train. Where were these people before this morning? I feel abandoned just now. As the doors close, I feel the train starting to move on the tracks. Slowly at first, but it picks up speed. As it moves, I can’t help but take a look outside the window. What else is there to do on a train?

Looking at the scenery outside, I can’t help but feel that it’s so familiar…

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 1 - He Seems Interesting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First meeting and names exchange, what could go wrong eh?

 

Well, as usual, the girls chose to go to the mall after school on this lovely afternoon. Correction, Darcy picked it out. The rest of us had to follow her like her little cronies. Here I am, sitting opposite her in the food court while she’s babbling away. Why does she need to put on a ton of makeup anyway? It’s not like guys are impressed with it. At least, that’s what a bunch of my male classmates told me. My eyes shift to my best friend, Lana who’s sitting right beside her, listening attentively. Why do you even bother Lana? It’s not like she notices you giving every bit of your attention to her.

And this may be irrelevant, but in my opinion, Lana’s much prettier than that Darcy, with her edgy bob haircut and her round eyes, compared to Darcy, who’s pretty much a clone of Barbie. Thus, in all retrospect of a typical high school system, that means Lana should’ve been in charge. In fact, why do we even hang out with Darcy? Oh well, Lana insisted, so I might as well give in.

“Can you believe that my parents dragged me all the way to the south for our break last summer? My parents could at least try to think about somewhere classy or fabulous, like London or Paris. But nope. They insisted that I get some fresh air to breathe and a tan on my skin. Please.” Darcy tells us with her oh-so-mighty persona.

“Relax, Darcy. You’ll get your chance,” Lana is consoling her. Just why, Lana?

I sigh as I rest my chin on my palm, while I take a long observation around the food court. At least it’s better than listening to the “Me, Myself and I” show by Darcy. The food court is big and spacious but looks a bit worn out, with the paint slowly peeling off the wall and some broken chairs lying around. There aren’t many people this afternoon. Only some junior girls sitting by the table there, a family buying some fried chickens, some noisy kids running around and…

Who’s that?

At the far corner of my eye, I see a young man checking out what looks to be a camera a few tables from ours. He’s kind of cute. Probably in his early twenties. That spiky hair of his is really attractive in some way. His head tilts slightly to take a closer look at the camera.

I don’t know why, but I find myself smiling at his little gesture. Darcy almost seems like a distant memory now. I focus my attention on him instead. Maybe in a few years, I’ll be convicted as an infamous stalker because of this.

“Fay? Are you actually looking at that crazy guy?” Darcy’s valley-girl voice is interrupting my gazing at him. Just shut up, Darcy.

Wait a minute…

“Crazy? Who are you talking about?” I ask her. She can’t be serious.

“That guy with the spiky, black hair, duh. You don’t want to get involved with him. I heard he’s a little unwell in here,” Darcy points her manicured finger to the temple of her head.

What does she even mean? He’s… mental?

“I know he seems cute and all, but he’s a lost cause. All you’ll ever get from him are just things you don’t want to know,” Darcy explains further, crushing any desire I had to ever meet with him.

Okay, so I’m not the kind to flirt around the school and have a cycle of boyfriends every week, like Darcy. I’ve never even come close to a close guy friend. But I’m a hopeful child who would love to have some love in her life.

Why does Darcy have to be such a party pooper? I guess I should just let go of ever dreaming of meeting that guy I’m curious about. Even if he has that charm I can’t seem to put at the back of my mind. Damn you, Darcy.

 

__________

 

Wow, I can’t believe it. I won first place. Hah! I rarely win first place in anything. Okay, so a charity race is nothing to boast about, but hey, I won. That’s all that matters, so why should I care? And as a bonus, the animals at the shelter will be relieved from future financial troubles. Most of the profit gained from the ticket and food sales for this event as well as a generous donation from the Town Council members will be given to them. I’m glad. I’ve visited the shelter a while ago and seeing the little animals in their cages, looking all hopeful to have someone to take them home, makes me sad.

I guess that’s enough thinking about it. The important thing is, they got some money for their future expenses. Time to hit the showers.

As I walk towards the bathroom, my eyes dart around the stadium. I don’t usually go to the local stadium for anything, but I have to say, it’s pretty well taken care of. Do they have sports event here quite often? Maybe the college sports clubs do their activities here.

Ah enough, I smell too much already.

After taking a cold shower, I look around. Everyone is leaving already. I guess that’s my cue to go home too. As I’m packing all my stuff in my bag pack, a familiar figure in the distance sits on the spectator’s bench.

Wait, I recognize him. He’s standing up and turning around towards my direction. Yup, it’s that guy from the food court. A sling bag hangs across his body. Come to think of it, his body seems pretty solid and muscular… What the hell am I thinking about?

There’s nothing to be breathless about. I constantly have to remind myself that as I walk in his direction. Actually, I am going home that way, but the sight of him is distracting me.

Then, I remember Darcy’s advice to stay away from him. While I don’t like that bossy airhead, she might have a point. What if his mentality is really not well? What is he does bad things to me if I were to get close to him?

And yet, I find myself smiling at him as I get closer. He’s looking towards me with a baffled expression. Okay, I know I’m not the best looker in the world, but he doesn’t have to make it so obvious.

As I’m leaving the field, I feel a hand on my shoulder. That totally shocked me. I gasp, but then see the guy’s face in my face, smiling.

What the heck?

“Umm, excuse me, but can I take a picture with you?” He asks me with a slightly high-pitched voice.

Okay, that was a bit strange to hear.

“Uh, what for?” I feel suspicious, while looking at the camera hanging around his neck.

“Well, you see, I’m the photographer for this event. So I just want a picture with the first place winner, that’s all.”

That seems to convince me instantly for some reason. Even though it almost sounds like a lie. He asks some random guy to take a picture of us together. As we pose and smile like idiots together, I can’t help but be in a realization that he’s putting his arm around me and his face close to mine. I almost end up staring at him instead at the camera. I can even smell his scent for crying out loud. Thank God there’s no BO or I would’ve been cringing instead of smiling at the camera.

“Thanks so much! You’re Fay, right?” The cute guy asks me after the picture was taken, looking grateful and beaming at me.

Darn, when he makes that face, who could even think of saying no to anything he says?

“Yeah. How did you know?” My question comes out simultaneously with my thought.

“The people with the mics said your name during the event.” Duh, I’m so dumb.

“Oh yeah.” I laugh to hide my embarrassment. “Well, I’ll see you later. My dad’s expecting me at home.”

Just as I take a few steps away from him, I realize that I haven’t known his name yet. Should I or should I not? Ah, what’s the harm anyway?

“Hey, what’s your name?”

The guy shows me that smile of his. “Chris. Chris Young.”

 


	3. Chapter 2 - I Had Fun Too, I Guess?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misunderstandings and waffles, great conversation starters.

 

Well, another day, another tiring period at school. All I want to do now is just relax at home and surf the web. Maybe Tumblr has some interesting posts, maybe someone emailed me. I am aware though that socially, I exist in a different universe where almost no one resides with me. That’s my way of saying, I’m socially inept.

There’s the school entrance. Damn, the sun is up and high. I feel its rays shining on me, like on purpose. Okay, I’m being dramatic as usual, but it is hot enough to fry my skin. As I bear through the heat to walk home, my jaw slightly drops. It’s Chris, by the big tree in front of the school, looking at me. Even after a few seconds pass by, he keeps staring at me.

I don’t know why, but now I feel afraid. Oh God, maybe Darcy was right. This dude is mental! He’s stalking me. Why? I’m not even good stalking material. As he approaches me, my feet automatically start walking in the other direction, away from him.

A few seconds later, I find myself running in the hallways. Some teachers yell at me to quit running, but their voices are just fading away from my ears. I spot Lana with Darcy. I don’t care if Darcy’s there, I just need to report to someone.

“That guy is following me!” I scream.

Darcy and Lana both raise their eyebrows at me. Okay, now I feel like a spaz and an idiot.

“You mean, that guy we were talking about the other day? The one in the food court?” Lana asks me. I nod profusely.

“See? What did I tell you? That guy’s a total nutcase you need to stay away from,” Darcy remarks. Okay, fine. Maybe I should’ve listened to your big fat mouth before.

“Come on, let’s walk home together,” Lana says the magic words.

I feel so much more relieved. If I walk with them, Chris won’t be so tempted to talk to me that much. I nod in agreement and we walk towards the door. Please don’t let him be there. And voila, he’s not.

 Where is he anyway? Why do I want to know? God, I need help. As I’m mumbling by myself, the girls were already fifteen feet in front of me. I must’ve been in a daze. I quickly catch up to them.

__________

There’s nothing like a walk in the park to calm you down after a few days of stress. Although today it seems like the park is kind of crowded. Well, as long as I don’t run into anyone weird, especially Chris. It’s not like I hate him, it’s just that his acting downright almost bordering on creepy.

Although, there is a tiny little part of my heart that’s just dying to see him again.

And I don’t know why. Is he really that captivating to the point where it’s alright for him to be a stalker? I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s getting serious till I’m seeing optical illusions of him in this very park. See, he’s standing by that fountain, reading a colourful book.

Wait.

That is him! I slap myself to confirm this fact. My eyes open again and the presence of him doesn’t disappear. What is he doing here? His head is turning my way. My quick reflex causes my entire body to jump behind a tree nearby.

I guess I’m hiding now. I take a few deep breaths to relax myself. I have a right to be here, so why should I hide? It’s him who’s supposed to get out of my business. I start to feel more eager to tell him off. Here I go, stomping towards him.

“Hey, you! What the hell is your problem with me? If you have something to discuss, just say it out loud. No need to get all Agent Double-oh-Seven on me!”  I yell at his confused face while I point my finger towards his muscular chest. Damn, why did I just notice that?

Well, I’m expecting an answer, buddy. I look at his face intensely.

Strangely, he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he’s making this face, with squinted eyes and a pouting mouth. Oh. My. God. Is he going to cry? People all around us are starting to notice. I better do something. I can’t be seen in public with a crying man! Somebody’s bound to think I’m a man-abuser. Okay, okay, calm down. Sheesh!

“Okay, I’m sorry for yelling at you. Maybe I overreacted. How… How about we get something to eat? Is that alright, Chris? I… I’m really sorry, okay? Stop crying please.” Why do I feel like a mother comforting a child as I’m saying this?

But that did the trick. Chris is giving me a small smile, but nodding like a mad person.

Okay, that settles everything. I keep my head still, but my eyes shift around to see the people at the park who almost crowded around us. They’re leaving and walking away from us. Good, because I really don’t need a bad stain on my non-existing reputation. I take a look at Chris.

Oh no, he has this twinkle in his eyes, as if I’m going to pay for whatever we are going to eat after this.

__________

There goes a few bucks from my dry, little wallet. I’m sitting in front of the Deli House joint with Chris where the bench faces the road which frankly, doesn’t seem to be hosting any passing cars right now. I guess seeing as this is a small town with a population less than the number of grain of rice I eat in a month, it makes sense. Chris is biting his waffles happily beside me. Why is he acting like a kid? Is this what Darcy was talking about when she said he was unwell? That he‘s acting like a child? That’s not too bad, I suppose.

“So, Chris… Where do you live? I see you around a lot lately but I don’t really know much about you.” I break the uncomfortable silence lingers between us. I don’t think he’s feeling any awkwardness though. I envy his carefree attitude.

“Just around the corner over there.” He points towards the left side of us, at the corner of the row of shops, where a neighbourhood lies.

“How about you?” He smiles, while munching his waffles. Great. Why do you have to look kitten-adorable?

“Oh, I’m a bit further up there,” I point towards in front of us, where the road leads to a small hill with some houses perched around it. “It’s a bit of a climb to get to my house, but at least I get my daily exercise by walking there.”

“Really? What’s it like living on the hill? Is it fun?” Chris asks me with a hint of excitement in his voice. I don’t really know what he finds exciting about living on a hill, but I’ll play along.

“It’s okay, I guess. But you get this lovely view of the whole town and if you wake up early enough, you can see the sun rise clearly. It’s really wonderful sometimes,” I rant about my home. I hope he’s not bored by my gushy explanation.

“Can I visit sometimes?”

Uh, how am I supposed to answer that? I barely know him. But seeing as he has this gleam in his eyes like a little kid on Christmas, I guess I can try to give him an optimistic reply.

“Sure, why not? Listen, why don’t you walk me home? Then, you’ll know the direction to my house and you can always visit.”

Oh God. Did I just say that? It’s like giving a serial killer the map to your house. Well, it’s not like Chris is a bad guy (at least, I hope not), it’s just this paranoid feeling I have floating in my head about what he might be.

__________

In the end, Chris and I are walking side by side towards my double storey single house, which is right ahead. Occasionally, I glance at him. And then glancing becomes staring. I don’t want to be rude or creepy, but it’s more of a character analysis kind of thing. His face seems gentle and kind. He’s always smiling. There’s no sign of any evil or wrongdoing in his eyes. Not to mention that he might have the mentality of a ten years old, seeing how he acts since this morning. I guess I could trust him a little bit.

We arrive at the gate of my house. Chris has his mouth opened wide at the sight. So my house is big with a clean yard and some neatly-cut bushes. What’s there to brag about? It’s not like we live like those rich people who go on cruises routinely. My dad is just a good marketing agent who gets a high amount of salary on his job.

Is it me, or do I sound like I’m bragging about my dad? Never again.

“Wow! Your house is really big!” Chris gawks some more at my house. We’re just standing in front of my house now as if BOTH of us are admiring it. I am NOT.

“I wish my house was this big. It’s just a few rooms on one floor.”

Suddenly, I feel a twinge of sympathy. I have a curious need to ask him some more about where he lives and who he lives with. But maybe some other time. After all, we just officially knew each other today.

“Well, see you later, Chris. Maybe we can hang out some more another time,” I tell him.

His face shows a bit of disappointment. What can I do? My dad will slaughter me if I stay after dark.

“Are you alright walking home by yourself? It is getting kind of dark.” Okay, I know that maybe his mind is like a kid, but am I just tempting him to come into my house now?

When I take a look at his face though, he does seem kind of worried and scared.

“I’ll be okay. I know my way. Daddy said to always run home when it’s dark.” He tells me with that smile of his. Okay, don’t refer to your father as Daddy. It’s a bit silly when you’re a grown man.

Chris starts to walk away from me. While he runs back downhill, he turns around and waves at me.

“Bye, Fay! I had fun today!” Okay, what fun? All we did was talk. I can’t believe you consider having conversation as fun. But I guess I’m a little bit pleased as well.

I wave back at him, with a genuine smile on my face. As his figure slowly becomes smaller, I get this sudden feeling… That I should take care of him.

No reason why, but his presence today suggests that maybe, what he really needs is just someone to watch over him. My other, negative thought interrupts.

_“Why? Why should it be your responsibility?_

For some reason, I can only answer to myself, _“Because now that we’ve met each other, I don’t really want to let him go.”_

 

__


	4. Chapter 3 - Those are Beautiful Photographs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Photos are nice, angry dads are not.

 

 

I’m waiting for him now. It’s after school, it’s afternoon and it’s hot as a volcano. But I don’t care. I’m just hoping to see him. Chris, of course. As expected, he’s there by the tree. He looks at me and gives me a wave, as if to greet me “Hello” from afar.

A smile forms on my face. He’s really kind of sweet in a way, when I think about it. I wave at him back, only to be listening to the shrill voice of Darcy’s.

“Oh my God. What do you think you’re doing?” There she goes.

“You do know you’re being nice to the crazy guy? When I specifically told you to stay away from him?”

Darcy has to remind me, doesn’t she? It’s not like I have to follow her little ‘orders’ all the time. Lana’s beside her. Now that I think about it, Lana’s been hanging around with Darcy more than me lately. And to think we were best friends since we were ten. Shame on you, Lana.

“He’s not a dangerous guy. He’s pretty harmless actually. Look, it’s not like we’re having an affair or anything. So let him be, okay? I’ll see you guys later.”

I quickly finish off my sentence to avoid having to converse with them. When I glance at them for the last time that day, I see their shocked faces. Seriously, what is up with them and treating me like I’m some kind of an alien?

“Hi, Chris.” I greet him. Chris waves his hands some more like a happy little kid. I can always count on him to make me feel amused.

“Do you want to walk home together?” He asks me, all embarrassed and stuff. Somehow, I want to laugh at his gestures, but it seems a bit mean to do so.

“Okay.” I reply, much to his joy.

__________

We come across the Deli shop again, on the left side. My eye catches a glimpse of the corner at the end of the rows of shop. That’s where Chris lives. My curiosity overcomes me suddenly. I’ve got to know what it looks like.

“Say, Chris. I always wonder what your house looks like. Do you mind if we go there today?” I ask him cunningly, just because my curiosity won’t shut up inside my mind.

Chris couldn’t have a happier expression. I guess not many people visit his house or something, I don’t know.

“Yeah! We can hang out there! Come on!”

His excited yell almost distract me from the fact that he’s dragging me by my hand and running to the direction of his house. As we run along the pedestrian path, I notice a few passers-by staring at us. Just make some stupid excuse.

“He’s just… excited to see his house, that’s all.”

__________

“Here we are!”

Chris announces to me. Okay, dude. No need to get so hyper.

I stare at his house for a short while. It’s small, only one-storey semi-detached with a lawn at the front but looks like it has enough space for Chris.

Wait, I never knew if Chris has anyone to live with, whether it’s his parents, relatives, friends or even strangers. Does he live alone? These questions run through my mind while we slowly walk to the door.

“Come on in!” Chris cheerfully says.

I’m kind of sceptical. It’s because I’m about to enter the house of someone I barely knew. But his eager face eventually shuts down my doubts forcefully. Curse you and your unexplainable charm, Chris.

“Oh, uh, okay.” I follow Chris from behind, being a bit shy and reserved since I don’t know if there’s anyone else in there.

Chris grabs my hand suddenly. Whaaa….?

“Come, follow me and sit down!” He exclaims.

I knew this was a mistake, coming into this house. I’m starting to feel panic. He drags me to the living room, which I have to admit is pretty small, but presentable enough. Okay, Chris is staring at me. I think that’s my cue to sit down on the sofa. I practically dive into the seat and let out a small gasp. I hope he didn’t hear that.

“Do you want anything?”

I hear Chris’ voice from somewhere in another area of the house. Well, that was fast. I didn’t even have time to comment on his living room.

“Err, no, thank you.” I raise my voice so he could hear me. I should take this opportunity to observe.

Just opposite where I’m sitting is the TV. It’s nothing special, no plasma or big screen. Just a regular old TV. I find that refreshing to see somehow. Maybe that’s because I keep seeing all these huge television sets when I visit friends and relatives’ houses, as if they’re trying to compete with each other on “Whose TV is the Biggest?” On my right was the fireplace, with some old wood covered in ashes in it. Above the fireplace was a row of pictures framed with wooden frames. I see a lot of pictures of an older couple with a boy who looks like a young version of Chris. Are these his parents?

“Chris! Is this couple on all your pictures your parents?” My voice is louder because I assume Chris is in another room. In an instant, Chris peeks out from the kitchen.  His face looks a bit serious. Or maybe it’s just a blank expression. I don’t know.

“Yeah, they are.” His answer is short.

“Where are they anyway? Are they here?”

Chris is silent now. I wonder what’s on his mind. He looks at me, with that blank stare.

“They’re gone. There was an accident and they never came back.” Chris answers me with a hint of sad tone in his voice.

Oh damn. That’s tragic and depressing. I can tell he’s trying to hide that sad tone when he spoke to me just now. The sensible thing to do now is just be sympathetic.

“I’m so sorry, Chris. Is… Is there anyone who lives with you?” Hopefully, his answer is positive.

“Well… no. Because those people at the big building told me that I am too old to have any more adults around and that I should be by myself.”

Okay, aside from the very simple explanation that I somehow can’t comprehend (what the heck is the big building?), his answer surprises me. Seriously? I mean, his mental state is not really well right now. I’m surprised they didn’t send him to a shelter or somewhere he can be with people like him.

Then again, he is able to manage by himself, as far as I can see. That could be why. Maybe I should ask him how old he is, just to clarify my feelings.

“But there is a nice lady who comes by every now and again. She talks to me and goes out with me to buy stuff at the supermarket. She also takes me out to take pictures.” Chris interrupts me before I could ask.

A nice lady? Who’s that? A doctor? A relative? Or some psycho woman who doesn’t have a friend and decided to make poor Chris her little pet? I ask again.

 “Chris, who-“ “I want to show you my room!”

What the hell, Chris? I’m trying to ask him a question. And now he’s pulling me by the arm to get me somewhere even more private? I try to stop, but all I could do is leave skid marks on the floor. He stops in front of a door, labelled personally, ‘Chris’. He actually kicks it open with his foot.

What a guy. You know, there is a door knob over there. The door opens to reveal what’s inside. I don’t believe it.

On the walls of his room, there are what could be hundreds of photographs pasted. I go inside without any more fear and scanned the photographs. There are a lot of pictures with people, animals, whether in the jungle or even the streets, plants, historical buildings. One in particular that catches my attention is a picture of an old lady carrying a child. She sort of gives such an affectionate and somewhat entertained expression at the child, and smiles as the child sleeps in her arms.

“Oh, that one, I took at the local diner.” Really? I stare at the picture a little more carefully. Well, no wonder it caught my attention. I recognize the background immediately.

A sight like that can be easily missed, what with all of us having our own problems to deal with and never taking the time to see the things around us. I’m impressed someone with a mind like Chris’ can take these kinds of pictures.

“You’re really good, you know. Do you always like photography?”

“Yes. Because you can make something you see last forever.”

His answer is one of those cheesy answers you get on a greeting card, but it is pretty valid. Chris is really a deep person, for a guy who behaves so immaturely. I smile at him, pleased of his passion that he showed me today. He gives me back one of those cartoon expressions, where you close the eyes and smile as big as possible.

__________

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I feel kind of heavyhearted to leave Chris’ home. There’s so much more I want to learn about him. But I guess that’s going to have to wait another day.

We’re in front of his door already. I sigh heavily. I really don’t want to go, but it looks like the sun is already setting.

“I had a good time today, Chris.” I tell him, to cheer him and myself up.

He looks surprised, but gives me his usual grin.

“Really? Yay! Me too! Let’s hang out some more later!”

Lo and behold, he’s hugging me. His reaction is just priceless. I just feel so much warmth in Chris’ presence. It’s such an unusual feeling for me that I have to start laughing. I can’t stop. Seriously.

Then, I smell his scent.

Wait, he’s hugging me.

Half of my face is buried in his shoulder. Ah, why do I feel so embarrassed? I can literally feel my face blush. He lets go of the hug and smiles at me. Why do I get the feeling, that with that smile of his, he can just break any ice with anyone? I can’t help but just feel more comfortable to be with him now. Maybe it’s because he acts like a kid that I can just try to be myself around him, or maybe it’s the fact that he makes me feel warm and at home. Who knows?

But time is ticking away for the moment. I am so late.

“I have to go now, Chris. My dad will start to go crazy if I’m not back. Bye.” I turn to leave, but I keep my gaze at him. Chris keeps his smile, and waves goodbye.

“Bye, Fay! Let’s hang out some more tomorrow!”

__________

Just as I expected, my father is standing right in front of me when I opened the door. He looks pissed. Oh, great. I guess this is the part where I should be explaining myself. But no words came out of my mouth. Instead, I keep quiet and proceed to go to my room.

“Where were you?” My father’s voice is almost booming at me. I sigh. What is the point of me being a teenager if I can’t be rebellious?

“Relax, dad. I’ve only been late today. I’ve been pretty on time the other days. Can’t you loosen up just this once? I just had something to do.”

I hope my weak explanation convinces the old man. My father keeps silent. Well, seeing as he doesn’t have any more to say, I should probably go to my room. I take a few steps on the stairs, but I stop when I hear my dad’s voice.

“You went to that guy’s house, didn’t you? Chris Young?”

What? How does he know that? Did he suddenly develop telepathy when I wasn’t around? This question shuts my mouth for several seconds.

“Lana told me you took off with him after school.” I breathe a sigh of relief. Oh, so it was Lana.

Lana told him? That traitor. I thought she would never get me in trouble. This is all because of that damned Darcy, isn’t it?

“When did she tell you?”

“I asked her an hour ago when you didn’t come back home. She told me she didn’t actually know where you went, but she did saw you with Chris after school.”

I keep quiet. How am I supposed to explain myself now? A high school girl went off somewhere private with a grown man, possibly in his twenties? That sounds like a scandalous rumour. A rumour which is true apparently.

“Okay, so I went off with Chris. What’s the big deal anyway? He’s a nice guy.”

“He is a grown man while you are still in high school. And he’s mentally unstable. Who knows what kind of things he would have done to you? I can’t allow you to see him.”

Okay, you know what? That is the last straw.

“Why? It’s not like he’s a pervert or anything.”

“Fay!” My father starts to scream at me. I don’t care!

“Out of all the people I know, he’s the one I trust the most!”

Okay, that was a lie, but I still trust him anyway.

“And he actually makes me feel like I’m trusted too, unlike you!”

I can’t believe I just said that, but I had to shut him up. My father looks at me with a shocked face, but I storm off to my room before he could give any reply.

__________

As I’m lying on my bed, I start to think a lot of things. So what if I said something that might’ve hurt him? He deserves it. Why does he feel the need to take control of me? I’m not a small child that needs to be taken care of all the time, twenty four seven. Then again, Chris isn’t a kid either, but he seems to need someone to watch over him.

Ugh, who cares? I’m not Chris. I have a good, stable, adult mind. I know my right from wrong. I know robbing a bank is different from taking a couple of bucks from my dad’s wallet.

I hear a knock on my door. I know it’s my dad. Can’t he just leave me alone to whine by myself? Is he going to invade my privacy now? I sit up and grumble at him.

“What?”

“Can I come in?” Well, I guess you should, since this is your house after all.

“Yeah, whatever.” I mumble. I am not in the spirit to talk to him.

My dad opens my bedroom door. His face looks apologetic. At least, from my point of view. Well, he should be. He shouldn’t have yelled at me.

And yet, why do I feel a little bit of guilt?

“Listen. I’m sorry for yelling at you.” No duh. He comes to my bed and sits beside me.

“But I’m sticking by to what I said. You should not be seeing Chris Young.” Well, that was a short-lived joy.

You know what? I have to argue. I’m not going to let him tell me what I should do with Chris.

“Why? What’s wrong with being friends with Chris? We’re not dating or anything like that.”

You know, I’m quite impressed with myself. For someone who didn’t have much connection with boys, I’m not really that embarrassed to be talking about dating.

“I’m just… Worried that he might do something to you.” Really, dad? What kind of things? The ‘usual’ kind of things that guys do to girls?

“Well, he’s not like that, okay? Most guys would just be creeps who prey on pretty girls. First of all, I’m not pretty. Secondly, Chris is not a creep. Third, he’s harmless. So you should just relax.”

My dad opens his mouth. But I continue my defence of Chris. “About his age, I don’t care if he’s old like you or if he’s a little kid. I like Chris not because of how old he is, but because of how he treats me. As a friend.”

There’s a silence between us now as we both stare at each other. I look at my dad with a frowning face to not give in to his request, while he looks at me, slightly surprised. Then, he lets out a small laughter.

Uh, okay. This is not how I imagined his reaction would be.

“You’re just like your mother, you know.”

Okay, now he’s going beyond the restricted conversation boundaries. We don’t usually talk about my mother since her death a few years ago. I let out a small, awkward laugh. I feel that beyond all our different opinions and arguments, all my dad wants to do is just protect me. I appreciate that, but I need my space too.

“Do you miss her a lot?” Take note that I said “a lot” and not just ask if he misses her as this would be an insult to my father. Of course he misses her. I know that.

“Yeah. Sometimes, when I lie in my bed alone, I imagine her sleeping beside me, embracing me as we both dream in our sleep.” He answers with such a low tone. My dad can be so melodramatic sometimes.

My guilt rises higher. Okay, I should apologize, since he’s starting look depressed.

“I’m sorry about earlier, okay?” There, I said it.

“Chris is somewhat like me, dad. Like us. He lost both of his parents. He’s probably lonely and hurt, like we are. That’s why I can relate to him. Not out of pity or anything, but out of some sort of understanding.”

My dad smiles at me. “Maybe I should give this Chris Young a chance. Why don’t you invite him over to our house? We can have dinner and a nice chat together. I would like to get to know him.” My dad finally puts away that strict guy persona of his and ‘negotiates’ with me.

“But only invite him when I’m around, alright? I don’t want the both of you to do anything funny if I’m not around.”

For some reason, I start to chuckle like a maniac. My dad jumps back a bit, puzzled and astonished by my reaction. Seeing him jump back like that, I laugh even harder. After a whopping one minute of nothing but laughter coming from me, I stop, catching my breath.

“No problem at all, dad.”

 


	5. Chapter 4 - Do You Like Stars?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revelation comes from a conversation under the stars.

 

Where is he?

I thought he said we would hang out today. Okay, I know I’m being like an obsessive person right now, but his absence kind of makes me worried. What if he went somewhere and got lost? I feel responsible even though I’m not even his guardian.

You know what? I should go to his house to see if he’s there. That might seem a bit like too headstrong of me, but seeing as we are friends now, I guess it wouldn’t hurt.

As I’m running through the streets on the way to his house, I look around left and right to see if he might have took a detour somewhere. I haven’t spotted him yet. So I run faster towards his house after passing by the Deli House.

Here we are! Without wasting any more time, I go ahead straight to the door and knock on it impatiently. I have to know if he’s here or not. Wait, the door’s opening.

“Hi, Chri-“

I stop.

That’s not Chris. It’s a woman, with an aging face and short blond hair, dressed in a shirt and pants, opening the door. Did I go to the wrong house?

I take a few steps backward to see the house on the left and right. Maybe I mistook this house for the next one. But the woman clasps her mouth with her hand and giggled. Okay, not funny, lady. I’m looking for someone who might be missing here.

“You must be Fay.”

Uh, what?

__________

Oh…

 So this is the nice lady Chris was talking about. Well, she invited me to sit in the living room while she makes a drink. She comes into the living room, carrying a tray with a jug filled with what I assume is lemonade and three glasses with ice in it. She didn’t have to go through all the trouble. I just wanted to see if Chris is here. But then again, I am a bit thirsty after literally running all the way from school. She pours me a glass and gives it to me, a smile included. I nod graciously, smiling back at her while taking the glass. Feeling the cool lemonade flowing through my throat relieves me.

“I’m sorry, I haven’t properly introduced myself. I’m Ruth Jameson. I’m the one who looks after Chris. I work at the nearby hospital.” So she’s a doctor? I’m guessing the kind involved in all the brain activity stuff. Neurology, is it? I should probably ask.

“So what exactly is wrong with Chris anyway? That makes him act like a kid.”

Oh God. That wasn’t exactly what I wanted to ask. It makes me sound rude and judgmental. But Ruth just replies to me without much reaction.

“I’m not exactly sure. I seem to think that when he got into that accident a year ago, his mind shifted to back when he was a child. At a few rare times, he can display maturity through his words and actions like he should be in his age, which is twenty two this year by the way, but most of the time, he’s just an immature boy. I don’t exactly know what this all means, but maybe those two sides are somewhat connected. As if they are different personalities.”

An accident caused this? Is it the same accident that his parents were in when they died?

“Is it some sort of brain damage?”

“The image from the CT scan done on him showed that he didn’t suffer any brain damage. His head was fine from the impact. In fact, all he got out of the accident was a broken arm. I’m not exactly sure why he’s behaving this way. That’s what I’ve been trying to find out.” Her explanation actually made a broken arm sound like a paper cut.

I fall into silence. I can’t think straight. So what exactly made him like this?

As much as I am still interested in finding out what happened, I think it’s time I stray away from this topic for a while. Finding a topic of conversation, I notice that Chris isn’t around.

“So, where’s Chris?” I hope she answers this quickly. My mind can’t take it anymore.

“Oh, he’s out photographing an event at the Town Council Hall. I heard it was a charity event organized by the council. Don’t worry. He’ll be back in a few minutes.” That explanation actually intrigues me to ask something.

“How does Chris get to go to all these events and be the photographer? I mean, I know he’s pretty good and all, but how does he get the job?”

Dr Jameson mouths an “Oh” and laughs a bit. “I’m responsible for it. I get him into all these events as a photographer to make sure he can keep living in this house. I know that his mind is… unwell right now, but he’s still an adult. He has to pay the rent, bills and other necessities. I can’t really give him money for his expenses. My husband doesn’t really encourage me to do so. So this is a way I can get him to earn a living without boring him too much. He photographs events, weddings and even works part time at the local photo studio.” I nod constantly while trying to keep up with her fast talking.

“At least as a photographer, he can earn a lot. I heard once he was paid almost 2500 dollars, just for one wedding.” I’m slightly amazed.

“Of course, I advised him not to spend all that money and keep some of it in his savings account. For future use, you know,” Ruth explains further. I just nod in agreement.

We keep quiet for about a minute or so, drinking the lemonade she made us. I have a lot more questions for her.

“How often do you visit Chris?”

“Oh, once a week. Usually, I would just have a conversation with him, and take him shopping at the nearby supermarket. And then have dinner together.”

A moment of silence falls upon us. She smiles, but looks a bit apologetic. “Well, I can’t really visit him that much. I have a family at home.”

Oh, I see. Well, she doesn’t have to look sorry. I understand. “If you want, maybe you can take some load off and I’ll try to see after Chris sometimes.”

She looks exceptionally surprised and happy. “Really? You would do that? Thank you so much, Fay.”

When I hear my name being said by her, it pushes me to ask another question. I get the feeling that I’m just going to speak in questions today.

“How do you know my name anyway?”

She immediately answers with a cheerful tone. “Chris told me all about you this morning. He said in the most childishly charming manner. “You know what, Ruth? I met a really cool friend. Her name’s Fay. She’s really nice and really pretty.””

As Ruth attempts to imitate Chris, my heart skips a beat.

He thinks I’m pretty? Really?

However, seeing that he is thinking like a child, he’s probably just saying that to be nice.

Just as I was about to carry on the conversation, the front door opens, revealing Chris who’s breathing heavily and has a camera hanging around his neck.

“Hi, Ruth.” He sees me and gasps excitedly. I can’t help but just smile gratefully at his gesture.

“Fay! You’re here!” He runs towards us in the living room and plops into the sofa beside me. Jeez, Chris. You scare me to death sometimes, but it’s always great to see you.

__________

All three of us were watching television together in the living room after we all went to the supermarket to supply Chris’ house with food and necessities. It’s just a silly cartoon, but Chris seems to enjoy it a lot, so I won’t complain. Ruth holds her left hand up and glances at her watch.

“Oh, I better go. It’s getting kind of late.” She gets up and walks towards the door. As she opens the door, she bids us farewell.

“Bye, kids! Have fun.”

Hmm, seeing her look at her watch prompts me to look at mine as well.

Shit! It’s fifteen minutes before 7 pm.  My dad won’t allow me to stay out after 7.

I stand up from the sofa, walking away to the front door, with Chris staring after me. Ignoring him for a second, I grab my cell phone from my old, worn-out schoolbag and dial his number. I’ve got to make some stupid reason for staying out.

“Hey, dad. Yeah, sorry I’m late.” I apologize, expecting something like, “Well, you should be. Do you know how much I’ve been worried about you?”

“What do you mean late? You’re not home yet?” Oh, I’m guessing he’s still in his office for some late meeting again. Crap.

“Well, never mind. Sorry, I was just at Chris’. We just hung out with this doctor who’s in charge of him. Her name is Ruth Jameson. I’m heading back now.”

“You’re leaving?” Chris suddenly peeps out from the living room. He looks disappointed. Oh man. How am I supposed to answer him looking at that pitiful face? I’ll try to sugar coat my answer.

“Yeah, but I’ll come by again soon, okay? So don’t worry.” There, I hope he’ll be less disappointed.

“But it’s going to rain tonight. I don’t want to be by myself if a storm comes. I’m scared.” Ugh, he’s making this scared expression at me. Come on, don’t play that card with me. I won’t stare at his face, I won’t stare at his face, I won’t stare…

Okay, you win! But how am I supposed to keep him company? Should I stay here? No, my dad will personally come to this house and give me a literal beating. I know! He should come with me. My dad will be home tonight. And he did say to invite Chris. Can’t that time be right now? I go back to my dad on the phone.

“Dad, is it okay if Chris comes over and stay overnight?” When I put it that way, it sounds like I’m having a usual slumber party with the girls.

“But I’m going to be home late tonight. What if he does anything funny-“

“Dad, what about your promise? You’re not going to break it, are you?” I interrupt him, feeling a bit mischievous. I know he’s a man of his word.

“But… But… Okay, fine. But just make sure you come home right away. I don’t like you being out of the house after dark. And don’t do anything weird while I’m gone. I’m coming back home in an hour.” Hah! That totally worked.

__________

It’s dark outside when I took a look outside the porch. It’s almost 8. The door of my house creaks, making me jump a bit in surprise. Chris and I are just sitting around the dining room, not doing anything much. I just opened my laptop and watch videos on this one website while both of us laugh at how funny and stupid they are. I glance at the door. Oh, it’s my dad.

“Fay, I brought food from the diner,” he announced to me. He then sees Chris sitting beside me. Chris is smiling and waving hello to my dad.

Oh boy. I quickly get up from the chair, pulling Chris with me to get closer to my father. I have to introduce them both to each other officially, don’t I? I clear my throat, as if this is an important first meeting of the century.

“Dad, this is Chris. Chris, this is my father,” I give the introduction.

My heart is literally thumping on my chest right now. What the heck should I be nervous about, right? As long as nobody offends or beat each other up, it’s cool. My thoughts are racing as I watch these two stare at each other.

Okay, why is no one saying anything? Are they all just trying to be telepaths without my knowledge? Chris is having this stupid grin on his face, while my father does not look amused. Please, oh please, just say something, both of you.

“It’s nice to meet you, Mr Fay’s dad.”

Chris finally speaks up and he says something that makes him have less credibility than I already gave him. Fay’s dad, really?

Then again, he never really knew my last name, which is Wells. He’s shaking my dad’s hand now. Oh no. I hope my dad doesn’t take this the wrong way. I better intervene.

“Umm, Chris. I forgot to tell you-“

“Bwahahahahahahahahaha!”

What the hell? I look at my dad and he’s laughing like there’s no tomorrow. Oh God. My dad is having a mental breakdown. Chris and I both look at each other with confused faces, probably having the same exact thought.

“He’s hilarious. Mr. Fay’s dad, ahahaha. Young man, I’m Mr Wells from now on, okay?” my dad finally speaks up and pats Chris on the shoulder, while he nods his head in agreement, possibly to avoid any arguments.

Hilarious? Okay, what is your sense of humour, dad? Because I can’t really find anything funny about what he said just now.

But seeing as my dad is in a good mood and seems to be accepting Chris, I guess I can let it go.

My stomach is starting to vibrate inside my tummy. I haven’t really had anything to eat since this afternoon. Looking at the food my dad brought back, I should invite us all to eat.

“Come on, guys. I’m hungry. I think we all are.” Okay, mostly just me. “Let’s go eat.”

My dad nods his head while putting his arm around a bewildered Chris, leading the way to the dining room.

Seriously, I can’t comprehend what was funny just now.

__________

 

Okay, what douchebag is knocking on my bedroom door right now? I was just having a nice dream about that hot actor I saw at the television recently. I forgot his name though. Ugh.  I don’t even remember what it’s about. That’s just infuriating. Damn you, you disturber of the night. Can’t you leave a person to dream away from the reality? The knocking’s getting louder. Come on, buddy. Let a girl sleep.

Uh oh.

If it’s my dad, then he would have probably said something by now. Okay, I’m scared now. Where’s that flashlight of mine? I better grab it in case some creep wants to rob me of my cash. Okay, I have no cash. What are you going to do? Maybe he wants to steal my homework or something. I don’t know!

Seeing as it is dark and that guy probably can’t wait to steal from me, I hurriedly rummage around my bedroom floor, which is a mess with my clothes and my stationaries. Next time, I will listen to my dad about picking up after myself. Aha! There it is. My hand is shaking from fear, but I’m ready.

“Who’s there? It’s the middle of the night, for God’s sake. If you want my money, you better-“

“Fay, it’s me! Can I come in, please?” Oh, it’s only Chris.

Ah man, I was about to have a moment of awesomeness too. Oh well. I switch on my bedroom light and open the door. Chris is standing, wrapping his arms around his body. He’s looking at the side, with worried eyes. He’s probably cold and scared, seeing as it’s raining tonight with a storm of lightning and thunder. It’s sort of heart-breaking to see him like this, as illogical as it is.

“Are you cold? I can get you extra blanket from my closet.”

“No. Well, yeah. But I can take being cold. It’s just that, I’m scared of being alone in the room by myself. Without you.”

Wow, this can actually be a confession. I would actually be flattered if he didn’t actually sound like a small boy who’s scared of the Boogieman.

Nonetheless, I find myself smiling at his little statement there. But come on, Chris. You’re a big guy, older than me even. Why should you be scared? Wait, I’m starting to say this out loud. I better stop thinking too much then. My eyes move to his face. Oh great, he’s giving the puppy dog eyes. Alright, already.

“Okay, okay. Come on in. Let’s just chat for a little bit, alright?” I hope my little comfort talk will cheer him up a bit. He nods slowly and enters my room. This is going to be a long night.

__________

Both of us are sitting on the window pane, facing outside my room. It stopped raining, but the clouds haven’t cleared from the sky yet. I was hoping to stargaze tonight. Chris and I are silent while we look up to the sky.

Things are a bit awkward right now. I guess I should start off our little conversation, if we’re even having any. But my God, my eyelids are drooping down and I’m just so sleepy. It’s a cool night, and I should be underneath my comforter right now. Oh well.

“So, it’s a nice night, huh?” Why does that sound like the start of a pick-up line?

Chris sighs. Okay, I am trying very hard to cheer you up here.

“There are no stars out though. I really want to see the stars.” While he’s complaining, I can’t help but roll my eyes. But I guess that’s how kids are supposed to act, being demanding and whiny all the time. It’s time for some pep talk.

“Ah, don’t worry. They’ll come out, sooner or later. We’ll just wait a bit then.” Chris has no reaction and keeps on staring at the stars.

I feel like an unnoticed, bland, wooden log suddenly. Ugh, fine! I’ll just ask some random questions.

“Have you ever felt like when you look at those millions of stars, gleaming across the sky, all your problems will just be forgotten? It’s like up there, reality will never reach you and pull you down into the depths of your misery.” Chris voices out before I could ask anything.

…Okay, that was peculiar.

Of course, suddenly spouting poetry in the middle of a simple conversation is already considered an unusual behaviour. But what’s stranger is that he actually sounded like an adult there for a second. His voice was deeper and his tone was more serious than it ever sounded before.

Maybe this is something I can look into. Maybe in a way, I can help Chris get over this weird behaviour. It’s not that I think him being like this, the way he is right now, is ungodly bad. It’s kind of charming in some way actually. But that voice…

A hand is in front of my face, waving. Whoa, I almost got lost in my own mind there.

Oh, it’s just Chris. He has this puzzled, but amused look on his face right now. Yeah, I know. I can be unintentionally funny sometimes. It pains me to be so.

“Are you okay? You kind of got lost there for a sec,” he tells me in his usual voice.

Why do I have this tiny desire to hear his adult voice again? It won’t leave my mind and it’s ringing in my ears.

“Yeah, I’m just thinking for a while. That’s all.” I lie to him, hoping he won’t notice.

He shrugs and goes back to looking at the sky. Well, that was an extremely short-lived moment I will never forget.

“Look, look! It’s the stars!” Chris exclaims with excitement, and points above to the dark, midnight sky. I might as well look.

Wow… They are beautiful, as much as I wouldn’t want to admit it for fear of being such a sentimental mush-head. The sky almost looks like a big, black ceiling with some silver glitter sprinkled on it.

Wait a second. This is a chance for me to talk to that adult I heard just now.

“So, what were you saying before about the sky being an escape from reality?” I ask slyly.

Chris looks at me, confused. “Huh? Escape from reality? What are you talking about? I just said it was like being in a really happy dream.”

What?

Don’t tell me he has some sort of multiple personality disorder. I mean, did he forget that he was being all Shakespearian a moment ago? But he does remember that he said something before. Maybe Chris is just avoiding the subject. Whatever, I don’t know.

My mouth is involuntarily opening to yawn, my eyes are watery and I’m so close to passing out. There’s nothing else to do now but enjoy my snooze. I’ve appreciated the stars enough already, but Chris looks like he doesn’t want to leave. Ah well, the great thing about kids is they will listen to adults if they’re obedient enough. I turn around into my bedroom and stand up.

“Come one, Chris. It’s time to sleep. I’m tired enough tonight. We can watch the stars some more another time,” I tell him with a reassuring face.

“Okay, okay.”

 

__________

 

We walk back leisurely to the guest room, where Chris is sleeping tonight. Now that I think about it, I don’t usually go to the guest room. Well, I don’t really have a reason to.

Ah, it doesn’t look that bad. A bit empty, but what can you put in a guest bedroom anyway? It’s pretty big too. I guess this room is the least emotionally connected to both me and my dad. Kind of like a hotel room, if you may say so. People stay, people go.

Chris is now going back under his comforter. Boy, he does look exhausted as well. Maybe all that photographing at the Town Council Hall this afternoon really wore him out. I go closer to him, just to say some goodnight words. Okay, it’s unnecessary for me to do that, but hey, we’re friends now. I don’t think he minds.

“Goodnight, Chris.”

No response. His eyes are pretty much closed tight. There’s no way I can get them to open until tomorrow morning. Oh well. I stand up to leave.

I can’t turn away from him.

What’s going on? I find myself staring at his face instead. Ugh, Fay, what is wrong with you? You are officially a real stalker. Not even a stalker in-the-making anymore. But his face really draws me to him and I just can’t seem to look away. 

I never really notice it before, but he has a really handsome face. I mean, I said he was cute and all, but that’s all teenage girl talk. Handsome would be reserved for a compliment made by a mature person. Is that what’s happening to me? I’m growing up into an adult? What am I even thinking about anyway?

After a few minutes of just standing there watching him… and acting like a psycho apparently, I made the biggest yawn I did that night. I rub my eyes to make sure they can still open long enough for me to go to my room and sleep. Slowly, I walk away from Chris, not even turning my gaze away from him. I seriously need help.

And from that on through the night, everything becomes dark.

 


	6. Chapter 5 - Was It a Warning Though?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can ignore all the signs, but what is it about?

 

 

I wish Math wouldn’t be this early in the morning. No wonder I got a B minus on my last paper. I couldn’t even concentrate for ten minutes at the beginning of the lesson without being tempted to fall asleep.

My feet are being lazy as they drag me towards class which is at the end of the hallway. That’s another problem with Math. It’s enough that they make it super early in the morning, forcing students to whine and complain, but they need to make it as far away as possible too? You’re just asking for trouble there, whoever’s in charge of the schedule and venue (a high possibility that it’s the Principal).

What… is this feeling?

Suddenly, I feel uneasy. It feels like a million eyes are looking right at me. Don’t ask me how I know without looking, it’s one of those feelings your sixth sense detects for you. I decide to take a short glance to my sides to confirm my feelings.

Okay, it’s definitely true. People on their lockers and hallways are taking time to stare at me. What the hell’s your problem, huh? Haven’t you ever seen a tomboy before? Do you consider tomboys a crime against sexuality or something?

Hey!

Somebody’s pulling me by the arm right now. It’s too fast for me to see who it is. Either that or my mind’s a blur right now after noticing that people were looking at me like I’m some kind of a freak. We both stopped at this corner in the hallways by the stairs, both me and the jerk that pulled my arm.

Oh, that jerk is Lana. Boy, I have some heat to take out on you, Lana.

“Okay, what the hell, Lana? I’m just going to class.”

“Look, people have been talking.” She pauses, hesitating. Just get on with it already.

“They’re sort of put off that you’re hanging out with Chris Young.”

“So what? I’m not trying to please them or anything. I can spend my free time with whoever I want.”

She shakes her head, maybe in disagreement. Ugh, I really don’t have time for this.

“It’s not just that. The kids here know that you’ve brought Chris to your home last night. So they’ve been talking and gossiping and well… You know…”

Okay, when you put it that way, of course I know what it is. You don’t have to hint it and just tell it straight it to me, being my best friend and all.

“What is their problem with Chris anyway?” I’m starting to yell, causing the other kids in the hallway to stare, but I don’t care.

“Is it because he’s some sort of a retard to you? Huh?”

Lana starts to back off a little, startled by what I just said. Her face looks remorseful. But I don’t give a shit.

“That’s not what I said. I’m just con-“

“Well, he’s not your problem. He’s not my problem. HE WAS NEVER A PROBLEM.” Do I have to shout in her ears now to make it clear?

You know what? I don’t have time to deal with this crap.

I walk away from Lana, who has this disbelief look on her face. Well, if you would actually borrow some time off from being with Darcy all the time and spend it with your real best friend, maybe you would actually know what’s going on with me right now.

__________

I just don’t get it. What is wrong with me being with Chris?

First of all, it’s not like I have the most amazing reputation in the school. In fact, I’m actually one of the most invisible people here, next to Harry Linen over there, sitting with his thick-lensed glasses and his abnormally large Math reference book while writing some notes so passionately given by the teacher, Ms Grain, who’s in front chattering about probability happily. So why the hell should people care what I do? I’m not a celebrity here.

Second, why is Chris Young such a problem to them? Sure, he might be a little off in the head, but as long as they leave him alone, he won’t disturb your freaking peace. I don’t find anything wrong with him. He’s alright the way he is. And besides, he doesn’t even go to school here, for crying out loud.

 Thirdly, our friendship is not affecting anyone, aside from my father and ourselves. It doesn’t affect any of you assholes, does it? Our friendship is not robbing you of your youth or money for that matter, does it? It’s not crippling you for life, does it? DOES IT?

“Fay Wells!”

What was that?! I jump back from my seat a bit. Oh, it’s just Ms Grain, looking quite red in the face and staring right at me.

Uh oh. I think she’s mad at me. Maybe I should’ve save my deep thinking for later.

“If you cannot concentrate in class and want to fantasize into your little daydreams, you may do so outside of the class and away from our lesson. Until then, pay attention to what I am educating to you.” Man, is her vocabulary old-fashioned.

Oh great.

I feel every guy and girl in the class looking at me right now. Some of them are even snickering and whispering to each other. If I could just say that word-which-can’t-be-said-in-the-school-grounds word, I would’ve thrown each and every one of them a handful of it. Still, I keep quiet and sink back into my seat.

My face is hot with anger and humiliation, and I’m probably red in the face too. Please let class end early this morning. I glance at my watch. Crap, it’s only fifteen minutes into the lesson and I still have forty five minutes of Math left. God help me.

__________

Today was a struggle. I got scolded during Maths and despite being yelled at, I couldn’t even keep my focus for my other classes. Even at lunch, I was sitting alone. Lana and Darcy were staying as far away from me as possible. I just feel like such a lifeless loser, with no real social life and no friends to talk to me.

Great, there’s water in my eyes. Am I crying? I don’t care about being a loser. It’s just that, it would be nice to have some friends to back you up, you know. I have none, thanks to myself for yelling at my one and only best friend. I better rub these tears away before anyone sees it. It’s hard, because as I wipe them, a lump in my throat cause some more to flow out. Ah, crap.

“Fay, wait up!”

I hear Lana’s voice just as I am about to leave the school grounds. My hands give my eyes one last wipe before I face her.

“Yeah?” I better not sound angry at her anymore. She is my only hope of having a support system in the social crowd at school.

“Are you okay? You seemed kind of lost in Math class today.”

Lana and I only shared Math class today. Of course she had witnessed the awesome display of failure that was me.

I stay quiet and just nod. I don’t want her to think I was crying. Oh sure, my eyes are dry now, but my voice feels like it’s wavering and I could have a nervous breakdown anytime now thanks to her show of kindness.

“Listen, I’m sorry about this morning, okay? I’m just concerned about you.”

Oh yeah, she did go against me being friends with Chris. I suddenly have a tiny dislike to her again. I open my mouth, but Lana suddenly places her hand on it.

I am this close to punching her now! Fine, if you want it so much, I’ll give it to you, Lana.

“It’s not that I have anything against Chris. I think he seems like a nice guy too, even if he’s not mentally well.”

My urge to punch her suddenly stop.

So Lana doesn’t have a problem. Then why was she talking negatively about Chris this morning?

“It’s just that, I’m concerned that this is somehow making other people think badly of you. It’s pretty obvious, especially with Darcy. I don’t want you to be made fun of. Because you’re my friend. I care about you, you know.”

Wow, that has got to be the second confession I’ve received this week.  I want to make up with her, but there’s one thing I have to clarify to her.

“I still won’t stop being friends with Chris. I couldn’t care less about what other people say.”

“Really?” She looks at me, as if doubting what I just said. Okay, judging from my post-crying face, I guess I do care a little bit.

“Okay, maybe that’s not true. But it’s only because I can’t understand why they have such an issue with him.” I explain.

Lana giggles a little. My unintentionally-amusing status continues to spread its magic. 

“You like him, don’t you? You care about him so much until you just willingly accept whatever pain people throw at you. Is that closer to what you feel, Fay?” she asks me, deceitfully and concerned at the same time.

I look down to the road we are walking. Maybe I am starting to have more than just ordinary feelings for him. Who knows? But I smile at Lana, who looks surprised at my pleasantry.

“It doesn’t matter. If it’s Chris, then I’ll take anything those guys throw at me.”

Okay, I just realized that sounded a bit corny. Lana laughs out loud. See what I mean?

“I can’t believe it. Little Fay’s in love.”

First of all, it’s not love! Second, I don’t like being called little, Lana. I have height issues since I’m shorter than everyone I know. You of all people should know that.

“Well, if you insist on seeing him, than I will have no more arguments and be with you all the way,” she pats me on the shoulder, smiling.

Lana, seriously? You just said something that causes my eyes to well up with tears. My best friend is here with me, again. On impulse, I give her a quick, three-second hug, seeing as I don’t like being sappy and mushy.

“Thanks, Lana. You always have my back.”

 


	7. Chapter 6 - What Is This Mess I'm In?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confrontation with an unlikely person.

 

 

Alright! I’m all set and ready to go. I’ve got my clothes in my bag pack, along with my toiletries and my MP3, just in case I get bored. This weekend is going to be mellow, but relaxing for me. I’m going off to the countryside tomorrow which is a train ride away, about an hour or so.

After all the commotions at school and some tension that I clearly do not need, it’ll be nice to be out in the countryside. Okay, it’s just my dad meeting up with some old childhood friends, but there’ll be a festival tomorrow night. At least I can kill some time over there.

There’s a sound in my house. Oh, it’s just the phone. I’ll let my dad pick that one up. I look outside the window of my bedroom and it’s really dark. My bedroom clock shows that it’s almost 11 pm. I guess I better hit the hay soon. Just as I am about to change into shorts and a T-shirt, I hear my dad calling me.

“Fay, there’s someone for you on the phone.” Great, can’t I have a break for once?

“It’s someone called Ruth Jameson? The doctor who’s taking care of your friend?”

Ruth? What is she doing calling me in the night? And how did she get my number?

Oh right, I gave it to her that day after our first meeting. Silly me.

Is something going on with Chris? I immediately leave my room and take the phone downstairs by the small table near the door.

“Hello, Ruth? How’s it going?”

“Hi, Fay! I’m sorry for calling you at night. You’re probably tired, huh?” Well, at least she apologized. I guess I can entertain her.

“No, it’s okay. What’s up?”

“I’m off this week for a conference in the main capital. I was wondering if you can just stop by and spend time with Chris, just for this weekend. Just take an hour off your day to visit him or something like that. I mean, I know Chris can take care of himself, but it’s just a precaution I want to take. I haven’t really seen him at all the past two weeks so I don’t want to worry about him too much, but I know if he’s with you, he’ll be okay.”

Okay, she just made me sound like a nanny. But a good nanny nonetheless.

I can’t be with him though. What am I going to do about the weekend trip? I just want to get away from this town for a while, seeing as I’m reminded of my recent antics at school. Look, I know I’m being a bit self-prioritizing, but I think I just need some time to be with myself.

That just sounds pitiful. Maybe there’s another solution.

“Is there anyone else that can do it? Not that I’m refusing, it’s just that I’m going away to the countryside tomorrow morning for the weekend with my father. So?”

Ruth is silent for a few seconds. “Well, no. I don’t think Chris has any known friends around here and my colleagues won’t be too open with him.”

That’s just sounds lonely and sad. I’m a bit angry too, for whatever reason. God, Ruth, you have made me feel the pool of guilt again.

“Okay, I think he can tag along with us. There’s going to be a festival there anyway. I think Chris will like it.” For some reason, I’m starting to feel excited.

“Alright! Then it’s settles. Thank you so much, Fay. I’m so sorry for troubling you.” Ugh, I don’t want her to feel guilty for me.

“No, no, it’s fine. Chris and I are practically best friends now.”

Statement of the year. I won’t say understatement or overstatement. It’s really one of those statements that deserve to be carved in memory.

Okay, now I’m just being silly.

__________

I haven’t been at the local train station for a while. Since I don’t really use the train for anything anymore nowadays. My dad has a car and he’ll happily drive, so why bother? But I do kind of miss it in some way. You don’t have to deal with any traffic jams on the highway, the possibility of getting into an accident is minimal and the view is always nice to enjoy. I don’t have to look at sweaty, fat truckers on the highway trying to hit on me. Okay, now I’m shuddering at the thought of it. Never looking at creepy truckers will always be a good thing.

Chris is following us. He looks excited to be here with me and dad as we wait by the platform for the train to come. We already bought our tickets to the countryside town so the train should come by any moment now.

“There’s our train. Come on, people.” My dad announces as the train slows down by the platform.

It’s not the most modern-looking train in the world, red in colour and with wooden setting in it compared to the city’s train, where it’s faster and has a more metallic look to it. But hey, it’s one of those things in life you have to experience before you die. Or something like that.

The train looks pretty empty today. Probably because it’s morning on Saturday. People would probably like to sleep in late rather than getting up and wasting their energy and comfort. Oh well, more space for us.

Chris walks energetically and takes a seat beside the window with the armrest. I should probably sit beside him. My dad walks to the seats across beside us and sit down. He turns his head towards my direction and stares intensely. Ugh, does he have to make it so obvious that he’s telling me, “I’m watching you both. Don’t do anything funny.”?

A few minutes pass by. Chris and I still haven’t talked since we boarded the train. My dad’s no help either. He’s just reading the paper. Dads. They’re always trying to read the newspaper for whatever reason, even in the bathroom.

Chris is too busy staring outside the window. I’m guessing this is his first time on the train. Hey, that’ll make a great conversation topic! Talking about his first time on the train. Yeah, that’s it. I’ll start with that.

“So, Chris… Is this your first time on the train?” Why do I always start my conversation like I want to flirt with somebody?

Chris still gaze outside without turning to me and says, “Yeah, it is,” in a composed voice. 

I feel a bit annoyed and left out suddenly. Is Chris’ own psyche so interesting to sink into that somehow a chat with a real person is more boring? But Chris turns to me and smiles like he always does.

“I’m glad it’s with you.”

Ah, why am I feeling fluttered inside? It’s not like he’s confessing some crush to me or anything. He’s probably being a sweet kid again. I can’t help but savour that little moment though.

“So are you excited about it?” Why did I ask such an obvious question? I feel like slapping myself on the forehead.

But Chris answers it anyways. “Yeah, but I like the view even more. It’s nice, like a painting.” He continues to stare outside the window while resting his chin on his hand placed on the armrest.

I don’t know what he’s talking about, but I’ll just accept any answer he throws at me.

There’s something that I’ve been thinking about doing though. And it’s the ‘adult’ Chris. Maybe I should try it right now. Ask him about his past or something.

“Chris, where did you live before this? Were you always living in the town?” There, that should be a good start.

“I lived in a city, far from our town, about three hours of train ride away.” Three hours? Seriously? No wonder I’ve never met Chris before. He was too far away for me to actually have any interaction with.

“When did you move?” My ‘interrogation’ continues.

“In the middle of last year.” He answers abruptly. Not one second did he even turn to look at me. Is this a touchy subject? I fear that if I ask him some more things, he might get upset and start throwing a fit.

But oh, how badly do I want to keep digging into his past. I’m not trying to be nosy housewife by doing this. I’m just a curious human being. Aren’t we all? And maybe by doing so, I can help Chris with whatever he’s going through.

I sigh and just sit quietly, looking around the train. It’s no use trying to ask questions. There has to be a different approach. Well, I can think about it later. It’s time to get my MP3 and listen to some tunes.

“How’s school?” I hear Chris’ voice just as I’m about to put on my earphones.

Uh, okay. I think it’s my turn to answer some questions. I look at his face, which seems keen to know, smiling so warmly I can almost feel it in my skin. I’m actually touched because at least someone wants to know how my day is. Aside from my dad.

“It’s fine. A little hectic recently, but nothing I can’t handle.” Come to think of it, this is the first time he has ever asked me about school.

“Really? Why is that?” He asks some more. Okay, this is getting a bit more interesting.

“Well…” I can’t tell him that it’s because of him I got into a little bit of trouble at school.

“Just some friend problems. But it’s all okay now. Most definitely.” I flash him a peace sign while grinning like an idiot. God, I feel like such a noob.

Chris lets out a laugh. Not a loud, boisterous one, not a small, subtle one, but just a normal kind of laugh.

This is definitely a moment I want to cherish. I know I’m sounding like a Chris-obsessive fan or whatever, but it’s the first time I hear a genuine laugh coming from him. I don’t even care that it’s one of my unintended amusing ways that’s making him laugh. Seeing him being all cheerful like this just makes my whole day.

 

__________

 

All throughout the one hour train ride, Chris and I just chatted. It was a pretty stimulating conversation between us. I didn’t even touch any subject concerning his past for fear that this will trigger a negative reaction in him. So we just talked about our lives and what’s going on recently. Okay, well, mostly me. Chris surprisingly was enthusiastic to know what’s going on with my life and all that.

And no, I don’t think he’s being too nosy. He did seem sincere as a friend to care enough about my life. I just told him about what I like to do (which is singing, as horrible as I am), all the ridiculous pets I’ve brought home when I was small, what my father is like, the flaws and the good things, and even what my favourite ice-cream flavour is.

I didn’t delve deeper into the topic of my mother’s death though. Because every time I talk about it, my voice just gets stuck in the middle, forcing me to retreat somewhere else to clear my mind. My father on the other hand, was asleep for most of the trip, much to our amusement, Chris and I.

We checked in a few hours ago at the local inn. It’s not monstrously big like the hotels in the city, but I think it’s much better to be this size. It’s one of those quaint sizes that is more comfortable to be in. We’re all sharing this one whole apartment. My dad and I will take the double bed while Chris gets the smaller bed in the other room, I’m sorry to say. My dad was the one who decided, to no surprise. He probably still feels a little doubtful of Chris, even though he did agree to let him follow us.

Now, it’s dark after 8 pm. The small town of a population of only 300 becomes livelier than it usually is because tonight, there will be a festival held by a school to raise some money for some poor soul who got involved in an accident.

Okay, I know I should give more damn than that, but hey, I feel sorry for the guy. And besides, I’ll be spending some money in the festival which will be given to him anyway. So there’s my sympathizing gesture for him, alright?

We arrive at the front entrance of the festival held at the field in the school. There are lights everywhere. It’s so bright that it almost distracted me from looking at the stuff in the festival. For a small town, the residents can sure have some happening celebration.

Oh, this festival is for an injured person. I guess it’s not much of a celebration as opposed to a charity event. What is it with me and being in a charity event? First, the race at my hometown and now a festival for charity. It must be a sign from God, telling me to donate for the rest of my life. There goes half of my life expenses.

“Oh, I’ll see you later, guys. Call me on my cell or find me if you guys want to leave.” My dad tells us as he walks away to his group of friends.

Is this a reunion as well? When I no longer see my dad, Chris and I look at each other awkwardly. What are we supposed to do now? I guess we could walk around and stuff.

Just as I am about to ask him, he grabs my hand and runs straight into the booths. I don’t even have to do or say anything with him. He acts solely on whim, just like a kid would. I’ll just go with the flow then.

Chris does most of the playing of the games. I am constantly reminded that we have to actually pay to play these games, such as Shoot the Darts on the Cards to Get A Fish in a Plastic Bag, Wheel of Unimpressive Choices, Throw a Light Ball at Metal Cups Just to Get Your Money Wasted and many more. Okay, those aren’t their actual names, but it might as well be.

I join in every once in a while, laughing when I succeed and complaining when I actually fail at these simple games. Chris laughs along with me too. Or did he actually laugh at me?

Anyways, it’s a nice surprise that Chris did most of the paying. Isn’t that a gentleman kind of gesture? I don’t think a little kid would be so pleased to pay for our entertainment. I am intrigued by this, but I won’t ask anything.

Finally, after one hour of nothing but playing and exploring the stalls that also sells some trinkets and merchandises, both of us are pretty worn out. Chris offers to buy some snacks, much to my already overflowing delighted surprise. I decline and say to him, “Let me pay for something tonight. My treat.” I give him a huge smile, and he returns it. I know this would never happen if he was an ordinary guy. I would expect him to pay for everything.

We walk to a quieter spot away from the surprisingly rowdy crowd. I didn’t know people here actually love festivals. There’s a bench right over there near the woods. I feel uncomfortable and little bit scared seeing as we are kind of far from the crowd where it should be safer and plus, we’re heading towards a secluded area. But having Chris by my side makes me feel more secured. And to think I almost accused him of being a stalker a month ago. Time changes you a lot, doesn’t it?

For some reason, when I am appreciating the stillness of the atmosphere, with nobody around but the both of us, my heart starts to beat rapidly in my chest. I’m alone, with an older guy whose appearance could earn him a gold star if he wanted to. I know his behaviour is that of a child and I shouldn’t be fazed by his presence, but I always remember that adult voice of his. My God, I’m obsessed over a voice. I seriously need to find a psychiatrist when I get back.

“Thanks for bringing me along.” Chris speaks up happily as we sit on the bench, enjoying the view of the festival and the night sky. Ah, my chest is practically going to explode with my heart thumping on it.

“It’s no big deal. We’re friends, aren’t we?”

I don’t even understand why I should be all nervous being with him. We’ve been friends for over a month already. Shouldn’t it be the longer we know each other, the more relaxed we would be? I always knew I’m different from everybody else.

Chris crouches down, placing his elbow on his thighs, looking down and showing a small smile. I’m not even surprised that I keep amusing him.

“Yeah, friends.”

My heart skips a beat. I think I just heard that voice. Is his real self starting to show up?  Maybe now is the time that I can do it. Bring him out.

“Chris, do you…” In my head, I’m just trying to find the appropriate words.

Chris moves closer to me, much to my overflowing desire for him, just looking at me, waiting for what I have to say.

“Do you ever miss being who you were before?” He moves back, raises an eyebrow at me.

I knew I should’ve just started with, “How’s that corndog of yours?”

“What are you talking about? I’ve always been like this.” He’s denying it.

Oh come on, Chris. Being in denial is not going to help you. But seeing as I don’t want to upset him any further, I’ll just drop the topic. I sigh, thinking that maybe, I will never ever get to see the real person that Chris once was instead of this childish image he puts up in front of me and everyone.

I get up. It’s so frustrating that even being alone together, he won’t be fully honest with me. I start to walk away, thinking Chris is following me as usual. But I hear him calling out.

“Where are you going?” Gee, where do you think I’m going? To get some more treats for you? No way. I’m way too pissed to even see your face right now.

I know I don’t have a right to be mad at him, but I just need to go somewhere else to release my accumulating tension. Well, what are you waiting for Chris? I’m stopping my tracks here just so you could follow me so that you won’t get lost, seeing as you are being such a child. Ugh.

“I’m going to the bathroom for a while. Come on. I don’t want to leave you alone here.”

I don’t even stop to hear his reply and just continue to walk towards the festival, where I hope the bathroom at the school is clean and not as typically gross as they usually are. Case in point, my school’s toilet is horrible enough to ward off good AND evil.

__________

I feel much better now. After washing my face and powdering myself in the bathroom (yes, I do wear a tiny hint of powder and lip balm, tomboy that I am), I’m refreshed and ready to get back to Chris. You know what? It doesn’t matter that Chris is the way he is now. Why do I want to care so much about seeing the ‘other’ guy anyway? The Chris I first knew is a sweet kid that’s always full of joy. That’s how we were friends and that’s why I like him. Not because he’s a mysterious person with a deep sexy voice that I really want to hear again…

Snap out of it!

Why the hell am I like this? Nobody has ever made me feel like a creepy psycho before. In fact, I didn’t even have any desire to be obsessively passionate about a person. It’s not Chris’ fault. He didn’t ask to be so mysterious and good-looking. I should really apologize to Chris for being such a weird, compulsive friend.

Where is he anyway? I’m waiting for him outside the school’s toilet on the ground floor. And I specifically told him to wait. The hallway is empty. Did he suddenly vanish into thin air? Or did he go back to the festival? Ugh, I knew this might happen. I just hope he doesn’t get into trouble or anything. I so don’t have time for this.

As I run towards the outside of the school to the festival, my head heats up with anger. Why can’t anything go right whenever I’m dealing with that little brat? Why am I the one who’s stuck babysitting a grown man who can’t take care of himself? Why did I ever have to meet Chris Young?

When I stop in the middle of the crowd at the festival, I realize I’ve overreacted my thinking of him. Maybe nothing happened. Maybe he’s just wandering around, bored because I spent too much time in the bathroom. Maybe it’s my fault that he went off on his own. Maybe he went to the boy’s toilet beside the toilet I went into. Oh God, what if I left him back there all alone and scared? It’s not like he can control his bladder if he wanted to pee so badly. He’s only human after all.

As I’m mumbling to myself of the possibilities of where he could be, I decide to slowly search for him to avoid missing any sight of him. Just as I’m about to start a thorough search of him, I hear a faint voice drowning in the crowd’s noises.

Wait, that voice sounds familiar. I listen more intently.

It’s Chris’ voice! I automatically rush towards the source of the voice, pushing through a group of people that seems to be crowding around something. I don’t care if they’re annoyed by me or flipping me the bird. I have bigger problems to take care of.

Oh. My. God.

I am about to just sink deep into the shame hole. Chris is in a tug of war with a boy, who looks to be around ten years old. They’re fighting over a big rabbit plush toy. What the hell?

“Give it back to me! I won it fair and square.” Chris is shouting to the kid.

I think practically everyone in the festival is watching them now. I can feel myself blushing with anger.

“No, it’s mine! I saw it first.”

I can tell that kid is obnoxious. I was never fond of children. That doesn’t really make me a cruel bitch or anything. I just don’t like them.

They continue to fight over the stupid toy, pulling it and shouting at each other. Should I intervene or just leave them alone? I’ve faced enough embarrassment this past few weeks to last me a lifetime. I look around. Everyone’s watching them, probably making fun of them. No, making fun of Chris. It’s normal for kids to get into silly disputes like this, but a grown man? Some of them are laughing now. My heart feels like it’s stopping.

I can’t take it anymore. My feet are stomping towards him. Suddenly, Chris and the boy fell in the direction they were pulling to, ripping apart the plush toy. As I stopped my tracks in the middle between both of them, I suddenly found myself showered with sawdust blasted from the inside of the toy.

I can feel it. People staring and somehow I can hear giggling as well. What the hell is so funny?

Okay, you know what? Enough is enough.

I dust off the sawdust I can find on my clothes and proceed to approach Chris. He has this dumb look on his face as I stare at him, holding back my anger. I don’t know if he’s being sorry or just giving me a look that says, “Hey, Fay. How’s it? Don’t mind me, I’m just humiliating myself, not to mention you.” A moment after, I grab his hand furiously and make my way through the tons of people gathering there.

I see my dad chatting happily with his friends over there. I’m glad you’re having so much fun, dad. All I ever got from this festival is another night of humiliation.

“Come on, dad. We’re leaving. I’ve had enough,” I tell him and walk out of the entrance, with Chris pulled by my hand. He looks a bit upset by what I’m doing, but I don’t give a crap.

__________

I didn’t speak a word to Chris on our journey back. On the train, barely anything was spoken between us. I sat in a different row of seats away from Chris. I needed to cool off and I didn’t want to talk to him. I was angry. No, I’m still angry as we’re heading to Chris’ house to send him off. I didn’t want to, but my dad insisted.

How come my dad is suddenly trying to treat Chris nicely while I’m trying to ignore him as much as possible? Did we suddenly switch personalities all of a sudden? As we approach his house, I feel as if a heavy burden from my heart is finally lifted. I don’t have to see that idiot for a while.

“Fay, I’ll wait here by the fence. You send Chris back to his doorstep, okay? I’ll let you guys say your goodbyes or something.”

Why, dad, why? I don’t want to uncomfortably send someone back to his home, especially someone I’m really pissed off at right now.

But I grumble and nod slightly. Sheesh, fine!

Chris walks slowly in front of me, turning his head to my direction slightly, as if to check up on me if I’m still mad at him. What do you think, huh?

We arrive at his doorstep. For some reason, not one of us is speaking up. I would expect some apology from him, but I guess he forgot. What a shock.

Chris gives me that stupid smile of his and rubs his head for a moment, like one of those awkward, apologetic gestures. Here it comes, the apology I mean.

“Well, I’ll see you later, Fay.”

I can’t believe it. It’s as if last night never happened to him.

You know what? Fine. He’s just like any other jerks I’ve met. They always forget what they did wrong and expect us girls to tell them. I’m not going to explain to you what wrongdoings you have done, Chris. I’m walking away now. I hope you’re freaking happy. I might never want to speak to you ever again.

“Fay! Did I do something wrong?” That. Does. It.

“You know what, Chris?” I yell at him. I pause for an instant to take a deep breath. I’m giving it to you now, Chris. You’re going to get it.

“Why did you have to embarrass me so much last night? I feel like such an idiot, going after you like I’m your damn mother.”

Chris widens his eyes in shock at my reaction, but I’m not going to stop.

“Why can’t you just be normal like everyone else? Why did you have to act like such a stupid, clueless kid? What the hell is wrong with you?”

I look at him with anger burning inside me, taking in some deep breaths to calm myself down. His face looks blank, like he doesn’t know how to respond to me. That’s what I thought.

I turn away from him and walk towards my dad, who is puzzled by all the yelling I was doing. You know what, that innocent child image he puts on is probably just a cover. He’s probably just one of those jerks who like to tease girls like me so they can humiliate me for their own amusement.

“Fay, I understand.”

What did he just say?

“I’m sorry for hurting you.”

I’m stunned. I can’t move or anything. I just stand there lifeless. That’s… Adult Chris. The one I’ve been trying to meet all this time.

“Nobody could understand why I’m acting like this. Not even me. I just thought that you would care enough to know why. Maybe I asked too much from you.”

I can’t turn around. I… I just can’t face him like this.

“I don’t doubt you. I never have and I never will. It’s just that, I hate myself for letting you down. I’m sorry.”

After a few seconds of silence, I realize he stopped talking. Is he waiting for me to respond? The first thing I can do now is just face him. I turn around, but he already went inside his house and closed the door.

What just happened?

 


	8. Chapter 7 - The Past is Hard to Hear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth beyond those cheerful eyes.

 

 

Even on my bed, I just can’t seem to stop my restlessness. I toss and turn. It’s already 2 in the morning and the weather’s cool enough for me to get a nice sleep. But somehow, I can’t close my eyes. The incident that happened a few hours ago when I sent Chris home keeps bugging me at the back of my mind.

What the hell happened?

The way he was talking back then almost seemed like he was upset with me. Did I finally break him? Did I actually manage to cause a mental breakdown in a guy who’s already mentally unstable in the first place? How in the heck is that even possible? Am I causing some sort of turbulent reaction in his psyche? Or am I just overthinking things again?

Maybe I shouldn’t have yelled at him. After all, in his mind, he is just a child. He doesn’t fully know his right from wrong yet without someone guiding him. Or maybe it’s just the misplacement of the behaviour with his appearance that gets me frustrated. Who wouldn’t be irritated if a grown man acts like a kid around you and starts begging for toys and food and whatever else? 

I know most people would actually respond the way I did at the time, only maybe wouldn’t have too much patience in the beginning and ditch him right away. Maybe some people who judge too quickly would even certify him as insane and send him to the asylum. Thank God he didn’t meet anyone like that.

Why is this bed so hot suddenly? I can’t even lie down as still as possible without feeling my back being toasted by the surface of my mattress.

Argh, fine! I’ll just sit up for a while and look back on what I did for the past few weeks. Okay, I did that race a few weeks ago, I’ve met Chris for the first time, I’ve been whining about Darcy for a while, I hung out with Chris at his house and also mine, made up with Lana, had a few pop quizzes, went on that trip with Chris…

That name keeps popping up. I just can’t stop thinking about him anymore. No amount of distraction is going to make me forget Chris for a while, I can guarantee that. I can try, but usually when I’m in the middle of doing something to forget something else, it always backfires.

Why, Chris? What does my mind constantly want plague me with the thoughts of you? What did I do wrong? You were the one who embarrassed me like hell.

Then, it hit me.

I’m treating Chris like how everybody else is treating him. No. Subconsciously, I couldn’t accept his childish acts anymore. Instead of just looking down on him like how the general public would do to him, I did the worse thing.

I tried to change him.

All because I wanted the unknown Chris hidden deep inside him more than the Chris I’ve always known since we became friends.

__________

Oh man, the food looks especially unappetizing today. The cold macaroni with the cheese which is already solid, the apple with a few dark spots and the orange juice which I happen to spot the old expiry date on its lid is just a comforting sight to see.

Maybe it’s just me. I really don’t feel like being here right now. In fact, I don’t even feel like being on Earth. I wish I was dead. I’m such a horrible person. I was mean to Chris, I was, I mean, I’m always mean to my dad and I harboured hate for someone I don’t even really know that much, which is Darcy. She could possibly not be all that bad. Maybe she’s even a Mother-Theresa-in-the-making in disguise. I don’t know.

“Hey, Fay. Did you finally ditch that crazy idiot?”

You know what, I take that back. Darcy is just a plain old bitch. But I’m way too preoccupied with my own thoughts to yell at her.

“I guess…”

Good job, Fay. You used to be such a loyal friend to Chris. Now, after one night of humiliation, you just dump him away like a piece of used tissue? I’m so freaking proud of myself.

“Finally! I’ve been seeing you guys around a lot together. I was afraid he might kidnap you for his sick, perverted games,” Darcy remarks while giggling a bit.

I just wish I could strangle her right now. Lana’s beside her, not saying a word. But I can tell she has something to say to me, judging by how concerned she looks.

“No. We kind of… fought a few days ago.”

It’s not a lie. Maybe half-a-lie, since most of the hurtful words came from me. “I don’t think we’ll be speaking in a while.”

“Good.”

Ugh, she says it like she’s my life mentor. ‘No, Fay, you can’t do this.’ ‘No, Fay, you can’t do that.’ My head is just banging with the heat of anger from the sight of her face that has so much makeup. Why don’t you bring that pretty little mouth of yours somewhere else where there is less possibility of me tearing it from your face?

Thankfully, she gets up to leave, I assume.

“Oh, I’ll catch up with you later. Gotta hang with my peeps.” Does she think she’s cool using some of these expired phrases?

I just notice Lana was with us all the time, but never said a word. She seems to look worried. She moves in closer to my side and gives me this ‘what’s the real deal?’ stare. Oh great. Here comes the pep talk.

“What happened? I thought you and Chris were good.”

I sigh. I should probably start from the beginning. What is the beginning anyway? Oh well, just say something already, Fay!

“I was angry at Chris for…”

What the heck should I say? For acting like himself?

“You see, last Saturday, my dad and I went to the countryside just for some time off. I invited Chris to tag along.” Okay, so it was more of Ruth asking me to look after him.

“So we went to this festival that was going on that night. We did a lot of things together, play games and eat snacks. The usual stuff.”

“Mmhm,” Lana hums and nods. How do I tell her about what I did?

“And then, he was fighting with this one kid and kind of embarrassed me in public. And at that time, I just feel so upset.” My voice kind of got stuck. I gulp and continue.

“So when we got back, I was just so angry at him because I felt like he humiliated me. And then suddenly, he sort of apologized to me in a more serious tone.  Like if he was a normal adult. Anyway, we never spoke to each other since.”

I bury my face into my palms. Hearing my own explanation just now, I just feel like the worst possible friend ever.

Lana sighs and her face show some sympathy towards me. “Why don’t you go talk to him?

How am I supposed to continue where we left off? It will just feel so uncomfortable, not to mention it makes me look like I’m desperate for an apology.

“I just feel so ashamed to face him after that. I feel like I’m the one who let him down,” I reply back while shaking my head.

Lana pats me at the back. Thanks, Lana, but there’s nothing you can do to relieve me of my misery. No offence.

“I’m sure he didn’t mean to upset you.” Obviously.

“I know, I know. I should’ve been more patient with him.”

“Maybe you could see someone who can help Chris with his mental issues.”

“No, I don’t think I want to try changing him anymore. I’ll be a hypocrite if I do.”

“How would you be a hypocrite, may I know?” Lana gives me this weird expression. Like she doesn’t expect any witty answer from me.

Okay, fine.

“All this time, I’ve always accepted him for who he is. Being a kid in his mind, it’s fine. If I try to change Chris, it’s as if I’m going against what I’ve been doing all this time.”

“If it’s for a good reason, then wouldn’t it be right to do it?”

What the hell is she talking about?

“What do you mean?” I almost get what she means, but I’m still confused as to what her point was.

“Don’t you think it’s weird that he ‘changed’ at that moment? It’s like he’s struggling inside to be who he truly was before because of that childish identity of his.”

I stay quiet.

Okay, so maybe she has a point. Count on Lana to always argue her point. Come to think of it, there were many instances where his mind reverts into an adult’s when I was with him. Alright, Lana has a strong, valid point. Must I admit it loudly?

“Actually, he did change a couple of times while we were together.” Lana nods, probably satisfied with what she said. I suddenly have a theory.

“Do you think he has some sort of multiple personalities issue or something?”

Lana frowns. “I don’t know, Fay. I’m not an expert. Maybe you should try asking a doctor about it.”

I thought you have all the answers, Lana. Guess not.

Wait, a doctor?

Ruth! How could I forget about her? She works at the hospital after all. Maybe all this thinking about Chris made me momentarily put her at the back of my mind for a while. She was the one who was taking care of Chris all this time. She knows Chris better than I do. Perhaps it’s time I ask her some more details about him, before Chris and I are forever torn away.

Okay, I’m just being overly dramatic again.

 

__________

 

I think this is the hospital. I mean, this is the nearest hospital I can think of. Ruth did say she was a doctor working at a nearby hospital. What’s the name of this hospital again? Ah great, I just saw the huge, signboard with red lettering five minutes ago. Gracious? No… Oh, right. Grace Hospital. I think she did mention the name when I was talking to her. Did she? Man, my memory is unbelievably bad for my age.

Okay, the lobby looks pretty intimidatingly huge. It almost looks like a hotel. Does the government really need to invest in a luxurious hospital lobby? Ugh, what am I saying? I should be looking for her. There’s a sign for directory there.

Let’s see… What the hell should I be looking for? Oh right, neurology. Even saying that word is a challenge for me, let alone confirming the fact that neurology has something to do with Ruth. Oh well, let’s give it a shot. It’s on the third floor. Alright, I better get in the elevator.

As I arrive on the third floor, I think of what to do next. Maybe I should start looking for the office or something. Oh, there’s a sign for directions. All I can see is Head of Neurology Dpt. pointing to the right. Ah man, don’t they have something like, ‘Doctors’ Office’ or something? I better take my chances and see if she’s there.

Wow, the door of the office looks pretty official. Even the plate hanging by the door that says ‘Head of Neurology’ is gold. Okay, maybe not real gold, but whoever made this did a pretty good job. I better stop thinking about unnecessary stuff and go in. The door is unlocked and I can open it easily, though there is a creak.

Nobody’s here. There’s the desk with loads of paperwork messed up on top of it with a few PhD’s (or at least, that’s what I think) hanging around. Well, since I’m here, I might as well look around. I’m sure Ruth won’t mind while I wait for her. I’ll check out that PhD hanging next to the painting there. Pretty impressive.

Dr James Lane?

Uh oh.

I quickly check out the other certificates hanging around. Okay, all of these belong to some dude named James Lane. I’m definitely in the wrong room. Oh well, I can still leave without leaving any damage or evidence…

“Excuse me, young lady. What are you doing here?”

I hear a loud, stern voice calling out to me as I turn around. Oh no. It’s a tall, balding man, wrinkling his face at me. He’s wearing one of those white doctor’s jacket with a stethoscope hanging around his neck.

I’m guessing he’s Dr James Lane. My heart is beating fast as I grow nervous. Why does he have to look so angry? It’s not like I want to steal anything from here. There’s nothing worth stealing anyway. Just chill, dude.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I was looking for someone else. I must’ve stumbled into the wrong place. Well, please excuse me.” I hope that satisfies him. I quickly make my way to the door. But just as I’m about to step outside of the office, I feel my arm being grabbed so tightly.

Okay, now it’s starting to hurt.

“You’re not going anywhere, miss, until we see the security.”

I’m starting to sweat. My heart is skipping a beat and then beats even faster. I might be having a fever or I just can’t believe I’m going to get into trouble for a stupid mistake. Why didn’t I just say I wanted to see Dr Ruth Jameson? I should probably say it now.

“No, this is a mistake. I want to meet with-“

“Fay?” That voice! It’s my saving grace!

It’s Ruth, smiling at me and waving hi. Finally, I can relax a bit. Take that, Dr Lane! There’s no more need to go to security. Hah!

__________

I can’t believe that stupid doctor still dragged me to the security upstairs. Thankfully, Ruth was there to get me out of that pointless tight spot. Ugh, I swear to God that guy doesn’t have a life. I’m still mad as I’m walking around the ground floor with Ruth.

“You’ll have to excuse James.” She tells me apologetically, slightly releasing a short chuckle.

It’s not funny! I know I’m unintentionally hilarious at times, but I don’t think I’m being funny now.

“He’s a bit uptight about privacy. Sometimes, he would tell me that he fears people would steal his PhD’s and forge them for their own.”

Really, Lane? Then why are you hanging them around everywhere in your room for everyone to grab?

But, I just take a deep breath and sigh. There’s no more point in creating more conflicts now. You win this time, Lane. “It’s okay. I was just coming to see you.”

Ruth looks puzzled for one second and then laughs. I’m getting more annoyed now that people are starting to laugh at me when I’m not making a joke.

“I’m not part of the Neurology Department, my dear. I’m on the fifth floor, where the Psychology Department is. I was just coming to see James to discuss a patient.”

Oh, Psychology. I feel slightly stupid now.

In fact, now that I think about it, I could’ve just called her beforehand and ask to meet up. What is wrong with me? I guess whenever I have a sense of urgency, I do things without thinking. Lesson learned.

“Is this about Chris?” She read my mind.

Then again, there’s no other reason for me to see her, other than to say hello for one second. I nod. But there’s nothing I can say. All I can do is to stare blankly in front of me as both of us walk past the bakery on the ground floor.

Man, this hospital has everything. I wouldn’t be surprised if I see an arcade around the corner.

“Chris told me yesterday when I visited him. He said you were mad at him. And that he was sad.” I guess that must be the ‘kid’ Chris talking. “Care to explain?”

I don’t know if Ruth is tempted to scold me for being angry at the guy she’s taking care of or if she just wants to hear my side of the story.

“I shouldn’t have yelled at him, I know. I just lost it for a moment. But I feel really bad about it. I want to apologize to him, but I’m too ashamed to face him.” Somehow, I feel a bit sorry for myself when I tell her this. What a self-centred thing to feel.

“Fay, you’re such a good friend.”

What? Did you not hear what I just said?

“You’re even willing to go as far as feeling ashamed and saying sorry to him with such a sincere look in your eyes. You can just pay him a visit and talk, you know. Buy him some ice-cream or something. After all, he’s just a kid. He’s willing to accept apology in the form of sugar and caffeine.”

She smiles at me, probably amused. Okay, let’s just move on to the next agenda before I start complaining about being the butt monkey of every situation I’m in.

“Ruth, do you know anything about Chris’ past?”

She looks a bit surprised and confused. I should probably tell her why I ask this.

“It’s because… in a strange way, I want to help him.”

Ruth was quiet for a moment. She just stares blankly the way I did. Oh God, did I break her too? What is it with me and causing an effect over people’s mind?

“Let’s go to the cafeteria. We’ll discuss it over a drink.”

 

__________

 

“Coffee?” Ruth asks me.

Do I look like I belong in an age group that prefers coffee over soda? But I might as well say yes to her kindness. I nod graciously and take the plastic cup of coffee with milk from her hands.

“Thanks.”

She sits down across me at our table and takes a sip from her tea. After drinking it, she lets out a sound and looks at me. That kind of startles me a little for no reason.

“Chris’ parents and I were very close friends since fifteen years ago. I still remember when he was just a little kid. He used to look so cute then. Now, he looks really handsome. Don’t you think?”

 What? Why are you asking ME this question? It’s not like I care if he’s physically attractive… I think.

I just stay quiet. She could’ve told me this little bit of information a while ago. But I guess that doesn’t matter now.

“Back when he was a kid, Chris was very close to his parents. Maybe it was because he’s an only child.” She pauses, as if this is an episode of Chris’ life so she might continue next week. Damn.

“Then, he grew up into this wonderful, rebellious teenager.” Wow, what an adjective. Wonderful? Really?

“And he started to love photography. A LOT. Up to the point where he decided to travel to these faraway unknown places without his parents’ knowledge or permission. His parents would find out because he was using their money for all these forbidden trips. He always told them that they were for school trips.”

I see. So Chris was a more rebellious teenager than me. I feel slightly better now for fighting with my dad occasionally.

“So you see how this issue can strain their relationship. Chris would defend his passion, but his parents would argue that he was still under their care and that he should not be going off without their permission. I would get calls from his mother in the middle of the night, crying as she asks me to have some counselling sessions with him. I refused though. I advised her to go talk to Chris herself because I thought this wasn’t such a serious matter. Boy, I might have made the biggest mistake ever.” She looks down, resting her forehead on her left palm. Does she have regrets too?

“They didn’t speak to each other ever since he left the house to pursue his studies. However, Chris did pay a visit to his parents last year. At that time, his parents were living in the city where his former home was. A few days after his arrival, they all got into a car accident. That’s when his parents died and that is when Chris started to... change.”

After I listen carefully to what Ruth had to say, I try to ingest all the information in. His parents died just before he started to live here. This is all starting to create a sense of familiarity in myself. Because I’ve experienced a similar situation a few years ago as well.

“So after that, I moved Chris here and started to find a job for him in this town because I felt some sort of responsibility towards him. I regretted not helping Chris and his parents when he was a teenager. I feel as if Chris might also have regrets about not reconciling with his parents. That could be why he’s acting this way. But as much as I’ve tried to console and comfort him, I still can’t change the way he is right now.”

After hearing about this from Ruth, I start to wonder. Maybe it was right that I tried to change Chris. Maybe I had the right to be angry at him. Maybe that ‘multiple personalities’ theory was true after all.

I know what to do now. I can do it.

 


	9. Chapter 8 - Let's Move On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, the only thing that helps is to cry your heart out.

 

 

There’s no need to be nervous. Why the hell should I be nervous for anyway? I mean, all I’m doing is just paying my friend a visit. Okay, that friend was the friend I yelled at for embarrassing me over a tiny matter, but hey, I could just say sorry and it will all be alright.

Here goes nothing. I knock on the door loudly but as polite as I can so I would not break it or anything.

No answer. I should probably just call him. Is it possible that he might be angry at me? Just what I need, a ‘kid’ throwing a fit at me.

“Chris, please open the door! I want to talk to you.” I call out to him. A few moments later, I finally hear his voice.

“No, you’ll just yell at me again.” I hear his muffled voice over on the other side.

Why does he sound so sulky? I really don’t have the energy to deal with this. I’ve got to think of something.

I know.

“I’ll buy you an ice-cream if you come along with me for a while.” I hope my accidental mischievous tone does not make him suspicious of me.

Another round of silence later, I finally see the door opening. My heart is racing. I haven’t seen him in a while. I wonder what he thinks of me now. And the fact that…

“Why are you wearing a black dress? And what’s with the flowers?”

He looks at me, puzzled at my appearance. This is all part of my plan. Okay, maybe the dress was unnecessary, but where we’re going, it’s pretty fitting. I take a deep breath. I should probably start with it right now.

“I want you to come with me.”

Without saying anything further, I grab his hand immediately and pull him, forcing him to follow me. He’s resisting a bit, but at least he’s obedient enough and just tags along.

I hope I still remember the way.

__________

We finally arrive after fifteen minutes of walking. I let go of Chris’ hand and walk towards the spot where she is.

Wow, times have changed it a lot. I haven’t been here in a while. The gravestones are everywhere now. I glance through some of them as I walk slowly, with Chris following me reluctantly. It’s sad to see there are a few kids here, some who were younger than me. I sent a little a prayer to them, but there’s someone more important that we have to see.

“Come on, Chris. I have to show you someone.” He looks at me, maybe a bit upset and a little confused, but he nods in agreement.

There it is. It looks just like the last time I visited. Maybe a little abandoned, since there’s no flowers to decorate it and no one to clean the stone properly.

“Helena Wells, 1959 to 2000.” It was engraved into the stone. I place the flowers I held in my hand on the grave and turn to Chris, who started to look uncomfortable being there.

“This is my mother. No. This WAS my mother.” I say to him.

He doesn’t have any response; rather he looks around in other directions but mine. He doesn’t even say anything, like “I’m so sorry,” or “It’s alright.” This plan might just work, but I have to be really hard on him. I hope I’m ready.

“Chris, are you listening?” I have to get his attention. He looks at my direction awkwardly and nods. “Yeah, I am. Don’t get mad.”

“Chris, I know why you act like this.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he casually replies. My patience is still intact, since I know he’s just going to be in denial.

“You’ve lost the people you loved. So did I. I understand how you feel.”

“It’s okay. They went away. I’m fine now,” he tells me weakly.

It’s such a lie.

“They never went away. They’re DEAD. They’re never coming back,” I half-shouted at him. It hurts that I have to do this, but I want him to get better. I want him to be himself again.

“Don’t say that!” He presses his hands on his ears and turns away from me.

“You know what? I used to blame myself for the death of my mom. A few years ago, when I was about fifteen, I isolated myself from other people weeks after she died. I felt as if I didn’t deserve any sympathy, kindness or pity that people gave me. I was practically a living corpse.”

“STOP IT!” He’s yelling now. He’s starting to scare me, but I know he’s hurting a lot right now.

“I just thought, if only I didn’t fight with her a lot, if only I didn’t favour my dad more, maybe her health would have gotten better. Maybe she would’ve lived.”

I’m choking up as I talk. It really hurts.

Suddenly I think back to that time. My mother, her smiling face, her nagging, her way of reconciling with me after a fight. I miss those things.

“I’m going away now!” He’s starting to walk away. I have to keep talking to him. Just for a little bit.

“And I regretted for not spending more time with her. If only I had visited her more often in the hospital, maybe I could’ve told her for the first time…”

Something in me just pulls my voice in. I can’t breathe. I just can’t continue anymore. I can’t even see properly. My vision’s blurred because of these tears in my eyes.  

I just need to stop for a second and breathe. I can feel tears running down my face. I have to wipe them away. I don’t need him to see me like this.

Wait, he stopped.

He’s looking right at me. Ah, I don’t care anymore. I just need to finish what I wanted to say.

“Maybe…” I take in one last deep breath. That feels a lot better. I better say it. “I could’ve told her for the first time…”

Those words are just so hard to say, even when I’m not saying it to anyone, God damn it.

“That I love her.”

Things are silent between us now. Chris is just standing there in front of me, hiding his face from me by looking down on the ground and I have nothing more to say. Even if I should say something, no words can come out of my mouth after that confession.

Now, it’s his turn to talk. I hope what I’m doing is right. But most of all, I hope Chris will realize the truth of his behaviour.

At least, I hope it’s the truth.

“I...”

His voice is deeper! That’s him, alright.

“I shouldn’t have…”

Come on, Chris. You can do it. He’s sniffing and breathing hard. I catch a glimpse of a few tears falling from his face. I want to comfort him so badly, I do. I just want to give him a great big hug and tell him it’s okay.

“I shouldn’t have driven that night. I know that…”

He’s wiping his eyes with the sleeves of his shirt. After a moment, he lifts his head up and looks right at me. His face is red, he’s frowning and the tears in his eyes are catching light, making them glimmer. My heart is shattering.

What have I done? I made him cry.

“I know that I get angry easily whenever I’m with my parents. Because of what happened between us when I was a teenager. I always fought with them. That night, I was fighting with my mom and dad about my car. My car… It was a stupid fight. I really wished it was something more important …”

Chris stops and breathes deeply.

“I lost control. And the next thing I knew, they were gone. I never even had the chance to apologize for everything I did. If only I didn’t…”

He’s looking up to the sky and letting himself cry, with just the faint sound of his whimpering. It doesn’t matter if he’s not controlling it. He’s just crying like how anybody should have. I have to go to him. I don’t want him to cry anymore. I’m so sorry, Chris.

“It’s okay.” My chest is starting to hurt because of my overwhelming emotions.  

“Your parents didn’t die because of you. These things, you can’t control them, no matter how much you want to.”

I don’t want to do this anymore. My eyes can’t take anymore crying.

“It’s not right for you to blame yourself. If you destroy yourself because of their deaths, then it won’t mean anything if they die. They have you as their son for a reason… So that they can still live… In your memory.” I’ll just let it all out. I don’t care if my eyes are swollen tomorrow morning.

Chris is wrapping his arms around me. Tightly, as if he never wants to let go. After he embraces me, I just lose it. I let all those tears flooding in my big eyes stream down my face and let go of that tightening feeling in my throat. Both of us are sniffing and wetting each other’s shoulder with those waterworks. It’s finally done. There’s no more tension between us. No more awkwardness. No more anger.

Who cares if a man is crying with a girl in the middle of a cemetery? It might seem unusual but we’re only humans who has got to let some emotions out once in a while. We make mistakes sometimes, and we can’t take them back.

However, the best thing we can do is to keep moving forward.

And never look back.

 


	10. Chapter 9 - Should I?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Decisions that were not supposed to be made happens.

 

 

Biology’s my favourite subject and all, but today, it seems like I can’t concentrate at all. All I can think of right now is what happened last week. That day. The day when I finally broke Chris, but in a good way. When I think back on it, it did seem pretty intense. I mean, both of us were bawling like there was no tomorrow.

I’m supposed to write all this down. Let’s see. The enzymes react with the food to become…

Oh man. This is not important. I mean, I know I’ve got finals three weeks from now, but in a big picture, compared to what Chris has gone through, this doesn’t seem as significant. Mr Halls is lecturing in front and teaching with us with passion and interest. I’m sorry, Mr Halls. It seems like today, I really can’t focus on your lesson.

The sky looks so dark outside. The dark, grey clouds all clumped together, blocking any sight of the blue from the sky. It’s like it wants to cry. A feeling of sadness rushes throughout my body. Even Mother Nature wants to sympathize with him. Everyone cares about you, Chris. Ruth, your parents, even my father. But most of all, I care about you. Maybe even…

Nope. I won’t say it. I’ll never say it out loud.

__________

Oh, class is over already?

I was so distracted by my own pitiful thoughts that I couldn’t even hear what was going on around me. All the students are getting up to leave. In fact, they’re already out of the door. Man, they’re fast. Or maybe I’m just slow. I better do the same before people think I’m such a geek.

I collect my books and put them in my flimsy bag. I should probably ask my dad to buy me a new one. Preferably one that will actually last for a few months.

Just as I’m about to step out of the door, I see a sight that I will never welcome in my eyes.

Darcy and her gang of pretty poster girls are blocking the door. Uh, excuse me, Darcy. Last time I checked, your father didn’t own this school, so if you could please remove your big butt from the door, I’ll appreciate it.

I glare at her, projecting as much anger as I can, but Darcy just remains static. Ugh, she is seriously asking for it.

“Umm, Darcy? Can you please get out of the way?” I’m giving her one last chance by being polite.

“Did you see Chris again when I specifically told you not to be with him?”

She sounds angry. What the hell does she have to be mad about anyway? I thought I’m the one who should be pissed that she’s blocking my way out.

“What’s it got to do with you?” I fight back, finally.

I can see a vein popping on her forehead. I guess she’s losing her patience. Well, two can play that game.

“Did you not hear our previous conversations?” Hah! What conversations? Ninety per cent of the dialogue came from you.

“Darcy, you are not the boss of me. I can do whatever I want without you bossing me around like some kind of an evil minion.”

I can see her jaw drop, but who the heck cares? “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go.”

I start to push through that barrier of airheads, but I stop when I hear Darcy’s voice piercing at the back of my ears.

“You’re just a loser, hanging out with that mental case. You and he are both the same. You’re probably just as insane as he is.”

Okay, no more. I can’t take it.

“Darcy, you are the most horrible person I’ve ever met in my life. As a matter of fact, you’re even crazier than Chris ever was. He has more integrity and dignity than you.”

“Argh!” Darcy practically spits her gasp at me along with her cronies.

“You know what, Fay? You really need to think before you act. I’m not going to let you get away with this.”

That’s it.

“You are a bitc-“

“Take a chill pill, Darcy.”

Lana?

She steps in front of me, facing Darcy, looking all confident and dominating. Where were you before, Lana? I was practically ready to sacrifice my clean records and punch her in the face.

“What are you talking about, Lana? Don’t tell me you’re siding with this pathetic excuse for a girl.”

Okay, now Lana looks like she wants to punch her. Go, Lana.

“This pathetic excuse for a girl is my best friend, and I’m sticking by her side.” As much as I hate to be referred to as a ‘pathetic excuse of a girl’, I’m cheering her on.

“So you can shove whatever you’re saying up your ass.”

Whoa.

Where did this potty-mouth Lana came from? Before I could ask her in awe, she pulls me by my hand and takes me out of the class, leaving a gobsmacked Darcy and her gang behind at the door.

In your face.

__________

Congratulations, Lana. You have now joined the rank of ‘real’ adulthood, where I have been residing. Where people think negative thoughts ninety percent of the time and swears every chance they get. And I thought I was younger, since I was born later than you. But I guess it took more time for you to mature.

What am I rambling about now? I’m staring at Lana gleefully as we walk home. Lana’s keeping her distance from me, looking at me questionably. I should probably stop doing that.

“Where have you been, Lana? You were awesome just now!”

I hope she’s not scared that I’m screaming at her. She puts on an amused smile and shakes her head. My ‘accidental clown’ reputation never fails me.

“I just spouted one line, Fay. That was nothing.” Modest Lana. Always never failing to surprise me.

I sigh, thinking about what happened just now. Darcy mentioned Chris to me. Why did she have to be such a downer on my life? Now I’m starting to feel depressed.

“So what’s going on with Chris now? Did you ever make up with him?” Lana asks me, intrigued.

Boy, I have a lot to say. But I’ll just keep it as simple as I can.

“Yeah, we did, last week. And he... Well, I guess you can say he’s himself again.”

Lana raises her eyebrows in astonishment.

“You mean, you actually fixed it?” Okay, when you put it that way, Lana, he sounds more like a car that broke down. Oh well, I have to amuse her some more.

“Yeah, kind of. He just let it all go. All his pain, his guilt and that childish personality. I have a feeling that the Chris I knew when I first met him is long gone.”

Suddenly, I feel a little bit gloomy.

I’ll never see that kid again. The one who was always sweet to me and made me feel welcomed anywhere we were. Yes, he made me lose my patience once and sometimes annoys the hell out of me, but that kid was one of the best friends I’ve made.

Now, he’s just an ordinary guy. Not that I’m complaining anyway. It’s just a bit bittersweet to say farewell to that kid.

“Did you see him since then?”

Come to think of it, I didn’t see him since last week. After being at the cemetery, I quietly sent Chris back to his house. He didn’t even say anything. In fact, I never even made a real conversation with his real self. I’m getting more and more nervous. I’m both tempted and scared to meet with the real Chris Young.

“Why don’t we go visit him?” Why should we? He’s not in any trouble and I want to leave him alone for a while to deal with the post-emotional pain that he’s going through.

Oh my God. I’m such a bad friend. I can’t even go to his house anymore without any solid reason. Why couldn’t I just go as a friend? I guess I should. I nod to Lana, giving her the green light.

“Come on, let’s go.” We walk towards his house, with me slowly leading the way. Okay, now I’m just trying to delay our meeting out of feeling both reluctant and overly excited.

When we arrive, my heart beats faster and faster. This is it. I’m finally going to see the real Chris, the one I’ve been wanting to see all this time. My feet drag my entire body towards the door. Why am I so resistant to see him? It’s not like he’s upset with me anymore, so why should I be anxious? Still, I can’t help but feel a little anxiety at the thought of seeing him again.

Here we go, with the door right in front of me and Lana’s enthusiastic face right beside me, staring as I’m knocking on the door. A few seconds of silence later, there is still no answer. That’s funny. I knock even harder, but of course, with a little control, so he won’t think I’m mad or anything.

Still no answer! I don’t know what to think now. Is he still trying to be left alone? Lana’s enthusiasm starts to wear off, as I can see by her facial expression.

Chill, Lana. I’ll take a look through the front window.

Hmm, no one. Where could he be?

“Should we go look for him?” Lana suggests to me.

Does she really want to meet him so much that she’s willing to follow me to search around for him? Or is she just trying to be good friend? Oh well, I can’t let her follow me around all day when this is my problem. I should probably let her go and do this myself.

“Lana, you know what? Why don’t you go home for now? I’ll go find him by myself. I don’t want to drag you around or anything.” Lana looks dejected. Why? I’m saving her some energy.

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to go off alone by yourself. I insist on helping you.” I really hate it when they insist.

“It’s okay. I can search for him. You can go, okay? I’ll be fine. And besides, I don’t really want your parents to get mad at you if you’re running around everywhere with me and came back late.” I reassure her. I hope that answer is the last one I have to give. I’m really tired of asking her nicely to go away for her own good.

Lana hesitates a bit, pacing a bit, but she sighs, probably in agreement. Thank you, Lana.

“Okay, fine. But be careful, okay? Who knows what kind of weird creepers exist out there?” Lana and her wonderful words of wisdom.

She takes her leave from Chris’ house and as she got at the gate, she turns to me and waves goodbye.

Oh no.

Now I’m starting to regret asking her to leave. What if I really do get into stupid mishaps? What if stranger really will get their grubby hands on me? The idea of it gives me the shivers.

I need her. Is it too late to ask her to return?

Yup, just as I want to call out to her, there was no sight of her anymore. Crap.

 


	11. Chapter 10 - Hello Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new light shed makes one's heart pound.

 

 

Okay, where to start? I don’t know where else Chris would hang out besides his home, the park, the hospital possibly, the deli shop and wherever else. It would consume too much of time to search at the places one by one. I’ve got to think of a better solution. What should I do? What the hell should I do?

I know! Ruth!

She’d know where he is… I think. Well, it wouldn’t hurt to try calling her. Let’s see, do I have her number on my cell?

Yup, there it is. I call her and there’s the ringtone. Come on, it’s been five seconds and she hasn’t picked it up yet. My chest thumps faster with each ringing sound. At last, I hear the phone being picked up.

“Hello?”

“Oh, Ruth? It’s me, Fay.”

“Oh, Fay! I haven’t heard from you in a long time. How’s it going?” I really don’t have time to do this ‘catching up’ thing. I have to be polite though.

“Oh, everything’s fine with me. Listen, I was wondering if you know where Chris is. I don’t think he’s at his house right now. I… Want to talk to him about something.”

“Oh, Chris just called me an hour ago. He’s going off to his old home. It’s in the city in the east, three train stops from here. It takes three hours to reach there by train. It’s quite far actually, Fay.”

Three hours?

Hmm, do I really have the time to look for him in a city I’m not least bit familiar with? Well, I really need to see him. For no real, valid reason, but hey, isn’t it enough that I want to just see with him as a FRIEND?

I check my watch. Well, it’s a little past 1. I think I have some time. I’ll probably reach there by 5 or something. I might as well take a shot.

“It’s okay. I’ll take my chances.”

 

__________

That was a long ride. Thankfully, I didn’t fall asleep or I would’ve missed my stop and ended up God knows where. Probably lost and end up becoming a street beggar. Or worse, a sideshow entertainment!

I probably need to relax.

As I step out of the train, I take a deep breath, ignoring the people who push around me. Ah, who cares about you people when I’ve got my own problems, like how am I supposed to know if there’s any return ride back to my hometown? Or the fact that I’m supposed to navigate around this city, alone and without any knowledge of the place? My actions today would definitely astound several people.

Oh well. The first thing to do is to get out of this train station.

Okay, I make my way through the door, which is unbelievably modernized, like everything else in this whole station. Seriously, compared to this hi-tech setting, my town seems like it came from the ice age.

Ugh, what am I doing? I have no time to think about these things. I’ve got to find Chris. I step out outside of the train station.

Oh. Boy.

It’s freaking madness out here!

Is this really the right place? I’m starting to get scared here. I mean, look at those people by the sidewalk. They’re… They’re walking around, holding up signs that say something like “End of the World”. And then that other group there, sitting around in dirty clothes, staring at people walking past them. Even the ordinary pedestrians here seem like they want to kill people, walking around frowning and glaring at one another.

I’m doomed! I don’t want to be here anymore! I’m so going to land in some trouble here, like getting kidnapped or mugged. And God knows what my dad will do to me if I lose any valuables. I think I’m more afraid going back home then being here now. Maybe it’s not too late to turn back.

_“Chris.”_

That little voice in my head is whispering to me. I’m already facing the train station, but that voice is just calling me to head straight into the city. And for what reason?

__________

I’m starving.

I’ve already reached the far side of the western section of the city, where Dr Jameson said his old house was. It doesn’t look too busy here and the buildings here are less intimidating, as they are like rows of three-storeys shops and not those tall skyscrapers I’ve encountered outside the train station.

I’ve tried asking some people about the location of Chris’ address, but they just brushed me off like I’m some kind of a stray cat. I’ve never been so insulted in my whole life. Lighten up, you manic depressive people. You’re not the only ones with problems. I’m sure living in this city can be miserable sometimes, but that’s what therapists are for.

Okay, no more jokes. My stomach is growling right now. Some guys that I walk past in the streets glance at me and snicker. Yeah, laugh all you want. I don’t care anymore. I’ve got bigger things to worry about right now.

But the first thing on the agenda is finding something to eat. I didn’t even have lunch this afternoon. I spent too much time thinking about that guy that I forgot my own daily needs. Maybe it is true. Maybe I really am…

Ah, there’s a little food joint there. I think it’s a Mexican food place. I do love spicy food.

As I make my way, I notice that there aren’t many cars here passing by. That’s a bit strange considering right now would be one of those peak hours in the city where people would finish work and return home and start an inconvenient traffic jam and all that. Maybe that’s a common sight around here. Maybe it’s not that busy and always peaceful in these streets. Perhaps that’s why Chris lives here. I like his taste in locations.

Okay, let’s see what they have here. The place is small, with those typical tiling on the floor and bland walls, but it’s clean enough. There are clear windows at two walls of the place, so it does give the illusion like this place is bigger. There are a handful of people here though, but not too many until it’s packed. It’s just the right amount of crowd. I go to the counter where the menus are, and look at them with a hungry, empty stomach. Which one should I order?

Okay, there are two more people in front of me in the queue. I should probably make up my mind right now. Let’s see. Nachos are good. But so are tortillas. Ugh, I can’t really choose when my stomach is just begging for everything in the menu. Okay, burritos then! It’s big and it’ll fill my appetite. I don’t even know why I’m even bothering about this. I look outside the windows as I’m waiting my turn. This place isn’t half bad. Well, I guess the food part isn’t half bad.

Come on! Ugh, make up your mind already, lady! I’ve got a schedule to keep. I’ve got to be back as soon as possible or my dad going to be more tempted to kill me. What is she yapping about anyway? I know I sound like I’m one of those people who you don’t want to invite to parties, but if you’re as hungry and rushed as me, then you’ll probably agree.

Fine, there’s no point in complaining anyway. This line’s not going to go any faster. Might as well distract myself for a little while. I turn my attention to the outside through the windows.

Is that him?

My eyes catch a glimpse of a familiar-looking figure in the distance outside of the restaurant. Damn it, I can only see the back part of him. He’s walking even further away out in the streets. I have to go after him. It’s my only chance! Forget my hunger, this could be one last chance before we might never see each other again.

I can’t believe it. Even when I’m running I couldn’t find him anymore. He’s just lost in this sudden sea of crowd. While I’m just standing stationary in the middle of the pedestrian streets here, people keep pushing me out of the way, not even apologizing. But I don’t care anymore. I need to find Chris. This is my last chance.

My last chance to do what exactly?

Wait, now I see no solid purpose of me finding Chris. Ruth didn’t say that he won’t be coming back. So why am I here? Why is it so important for me to find him right now? My heart suddenly beats even faster.

Is it true then?

Have I really fallen for Chris so badly to the point where I’m just wondering in an unknown city all for the sake of wanting to talk to him? I am getting more and more anxious at the thought of just finding him. Just the image of his face in my mind can make me act like I’m on the edge of my seat.

It is true. I… do love him.

I can’t move. I’m just staring at the sidewalk and standing there, like I’m being paralyzed by all my thoughts.

But why do I love him? There has to be a reaso-

“Hey, kid! Watch it, will ya? You’re in the way.” I hear an old, gruff voice almost yelling at me from the front.

I’m not a kid! I’m eighteen year old girl, who’s a little short, I admit.

Who was that? I look up and I see this wrinkled old face staring at me and walking away. That face turns away from me. Oh, it’s just an old man scolding me for being an obstacle in everybody’s path. I better move to the side.

Damn it, snap out of it, Fay! I’ve got to gather my chaotic thoughts back in one piece. Okay, okay. First, I must find Chris. I don’t care for what reason, I’ll think about it the moment I meet up with him.

Second, why do I love him? I… I’ll think about that too. Okay, plan is in commence.

I better think back to which direction he was heading. I think I saw him going to that corner over there. It looks so dark, all those tree shades covering the sidewalk. Do I dare to go? I mean, I can always find another route to walk through. But I swear to God I saw him going in that frightening direction.

Do I dare to? Ugh, why does it even matter anyway? Where did all my courage go? I mean, I’m here, aren’t I? If I waste this opportunity just because I’m scared to go any further, then it’s not worth all this trouble I went through! Here I go!

As I take my first step into the dark road, my breathing gets heavier. I look around the shadowy area. It’s just like any other neighbourhood in this part of the city, with the two-storey buildings and the small roads. I let out a small sigh of relief.

There’s nothing to be afraid of. Well, I better pick up the pace if I’m ever going to find Chris.

 

__________

 

Where is he?

It’s getting dark. Okay, I know I was all bragging about courage earlier, but I’m in the middle of nowhere in a city I never been to, and night is approaching. My chest begins to tighten by this fear. I’m alone in this neighbourhood, nobody’s around and the streetlights have been switched on.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I feel like crying. Nobody’s here for me, or with me for that matter. I can’t find Chris anywhere. He never saw me so he doesn’t know I’m here looking for him. My dad’s either late at work or just doesn’t care anymore. He’s not calling me on my phone, asking me where I am.

Okay, get it together, Fay. Let’s sit down somewhere so I can calm down. There’s a nice spot there on that bench by that house. Hope they don’t mind a stranger sitting there for a while. As I take my seat, I think back on what I did.

This was a mistake.

I should’ve just stayed home and waited until Chris comes back. It’s not like he would’ve left the town forever. Why do I have to be so pushy? Why?

Goddamn it, get out of it, Fay!

You came here looking for Chris just so you could talk to him and now you’re giving up? NO! That’s it. I’ll keep looking. I’ll go back home later and explain to my father and apologize, but now is not the time for self-pity.

I stand up and walk even further down the road. For the first time in this city, I see some sights that I’m relieved to have come across. There are some people walking around, probably residents of this neighbourhood. And no, not the creepy kind you see from horror films.

Some old ladies are walking together, a family is getting out of their car into their home and some kids are running around on their front yard. The kids waved hello to me, to which I waved back gratefully, because at least there are some friendly-looking people around here.

A few minutes have passed and I’ve reached the end of the neighbourhood. All I can see up ahead is an entrance of a cemetery, like an archway. 

…Great.

I’m tempted to go back. But somehow my instincts are telling me that maybe… Chris is there. Uh, instinct? No way in hell is Chris in there. And I am not going there. I turn to leave and go back.

My feet won’t budge. Come on! No way he’s there.

_He’s there. Just go check._

Ugh, fine! I’ll go.

I slowly walk closer towards the cemetery’s entrance. This is seriously the mistake of a lifetime, but since my little voice insists, I might as well take a shot.

Okay, were cemeteries really this dark before? I mean, I’ve been to dead people’s resting place before, seeing as my mother has passed on, but this… This is ridiculous! This place is too huge to comprehend.

I continue to walk slowly towards the innards of the cemetery, where more gravestones are found. It’s funny though, that this place is well-maintained compared to the cemetery back home. I guess this place has more visitors coming and going.

Oh wait. I see something. There’s someone over at that row of graves.

Wait, it’s Chris!

Or at least, I think it is judging from his back side. I can only see a tall man wearing a brown jacket, his dark hair which is slightly spiky, just like Chris’.

It is him!

Wow.

He looks more mature than he previously did, much to my amazement. Hey, even from the back, I can already imagine what he would be like from the front. I take a few steps closer towards him.

Oh God.

What am I going to say to him? I can’t just waltz right beside him and say, “How’re you doing? By the way, I followed you all the way across the city. Scratch that, I followed you all the way from the town.”  

I better hide behind this tree and think of more appropriate things to say. Why am I even this anxious to see him again? It’s not like I’ll be meeting a total stranger. It’s Chris! That guy who you were friends with for a few months. Don’t tell me you’re backing out now just because you developed some sort feelings for him.

Feelings? You mean love?

…Let’s think about this later.

I take a peek at him standing by two gravestones arranged closer together. Could that be his parents? So I suppose he came here to see his parents. I see. I’ll just leave him be for a while.

It’s been five minutes.

He’s just standing there, still like a stone. Oh my God. Did he become a ghost while I was away? Do something, Chris! Just move, twitch, walk away, anything! You’re starting to scare me a little bit. I feel as if I’m exposing myself even more from my tree with all these wild thoughts running through my mind. The suspense is killing me.

“What are you doing here, Fay?”

Holy crap.

It’s Chris. The real him. That deep voice of his still haunts me. Okay, it’s not that deep, it’s a normal guy’s voice, but it just sounds so nice to listen to.

Wait.

He already knows I’m here. Damn it.

“You do realize you’re far away from home right now, don’t you?”

Chris turns around and faces me from the spot he’s standing. We’re about ten feet away from each other, but it feels so much closer. I hesitantly look at his face.

He’s different now.

Not in a bad way though. He just looks more like an adult than he ever did before. Even by the way he’s standing I can tell that he’s a different person.  Usually he would hunch awkwardly while fiddling with his hands. Now he’s leaning back more and placing his hands in his jacket’s pocket. His eyes are less wild and wide-eyed. His expression is kind of serious now. He doesn’t smile that much.

Why do I feel like I’m a kid in trouble suddenly? Things have changed apparently. Usually he’s the ‘kid in trouble’.

Oh God, he’s walking towards me.

What in the world should I say? I… I can’t move from this very spot. I don’t know what to do. My fingers are involuntarily rubbing the tree surface while my mind think of what to say as my head is looking down on the ground.

Damn it, I can feel my face going red. I can’t see it, but I CAN TELL. My rapidly beating heart isn’t helping either. Why am I feeling like this now of all times?

HE’S IN FRONT OF ME NOW.

I can’t move or say anything. I don’t what he’s going to do either. And the worst part is, I still feel like a kid in trouble.

“Fay.”

Damn it. My stupid reflex immediately moves my head towards the direction of his face.

God, he looks so cool like some jock in school while I’m still considered a kid by grumpy old men everywhere. I’m so ashamed to even stand here. I don’t even know why I should be.

Wait, is he… smiling?

I can’t believe it. He looks at me with those caring eyes. I can’t really explain it. It’s… nice to be looked upon with that gaze he’s giving me. It’s feels like he’s amused and grateful to see me. I manage a tiny smile, but I still can’t utter a single word from my mouth. Goddamn it, why do I have to be such a spaz?

“Are you hungry?”

 


	12. Chapter 11 - Almost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friendships change, whether you like it or not.

 

 

Finally, I’m eating. I’m severely famished after walking and running around all day. Though, I don’t feel that comfortable someone is getting it for me, especially if it’s Chris, after I despicably followed him in his city like a rabid stalker. I’m sitting on one of the tables outside of this small fast food joint while Chris is getting the food. I can’t help but stare at him all the time. The fact that he became a new, or should I say, back to the person that he was is still an alien thing for me.

It’s like we switched roles. I suddenly became the person that needs to be taken care of while Chris watches out for me. I mean, I remembered when I was in Chris’ position right now, buying him those waffles when we first had that little misunderstanding. Now look at us. I suddenly feel dependent on him for getting me around here and buying me some food just so I can feed myself. Although I do feel ashamed of myself, I am proud of him.

My eyes are still gazing upon Chris.

Why can’t I take my eyes off him? It’s not like his looks have changed at all. And yet, in some way, I find him more attractive than usual. The way he stands, the way he’s talking to the guy on that counter, the way he smiles, the way he’s grabbing that food, the way he’s just walking away while saying thanks, the way he just exists…

“Fay, are you alright?”

Holy shit!

When did he get here so fast? He was just in there a moment ago. I look up at him, standing across the table from me, raising his eyebrow. What was I doing before? I quickly analyse myself and what I was doing one minute ago.

Oh God. I was staring into the blank area where he was standing before. Damn. Time moves unbelievably slow in my mind. I better make up an excuse before he thinks I’m stoned or something.

“I’m… fine. I was just… Uh…”

Just say something, damn it!

“Admiring the place.” You’re an idiot, Fay.

Just as I expected, Chris lets out a laugh. My reputation never seems to fail me. I can literally feel my face burning up with humiliation of my own self.

Chris sits down beside me, handing over the paper bag containing a burger and some fries that he bought. I’m still hesitant whether or not to take it. I’m not even looking at his face for crying out loud. He must think I’m an idiot, just staring at the food that he displays at me.

“Come on. Take it. I’m sure you’re hungry after touring the city. My treat.”

He’s making fun of me. And now he’s smiling at me.

Stop that! You’ll make me melt to the floor in a heap of embarrassment. But his eyes are just so kind that it’s making me want to cry from gratitude as well. I forcibly extend my hand and take the food from him.

“Thanks. I don’t know how to thank you.” Didn’t I just say thanks? Wouldn’t that actually be my ‘thank you’? Idiot.

“I mean, thank you for helping me around.”

Gah, that sounds even worse! It’s making me sound like an old lady who’s got paralysis on her legs. I should stop talking or something. I’m going to bury my face in my hands and never look him in the eyes again. This talking thing is not going well on my part.

Suddenly I feel warmth upon my face. His hand… Is on my cheek.

What? What’s he doing?

My eyes gaze towards him, who in return, gives at me the friendliest smile I’ve ever seen. He’s going to make me cry with his sweet gestures. I don’t even know why someone being a gentleman can even induce me to tears. Maybe it’s because no guys ever did that for me and when one finally does, I’m too overwhelmed with emotions to do anything about it. Why am I such a loser?

 “Fay, I think I’m the one who should thank you.”

He’s thanking me. Why is he thanking me? Why does it make me want to cry even more? He slowly pulls his hand away from my face and leans on the table, sighing.

Is something wrong? I knew I should’ve just acted more comfortably with him, like I did before. Why am I such a phony? He’s not any different, he’s the same old Chris, just… more mature. His face suddenly looks so gloomy that I want to blame myself for making him feel that way.

“You helped me realize the truth, when I couldn’t see it for myself.”

The truth?

Oh, I see. He was just thinking back on his parents.

“Well, anyone could’ve done that.”

Chris grins at me, holding back laughter. Stop being unintentionally amusing, Fay! Ugh.

“You’re the one who did it. So I guess you’re the person I should be thanking.”

My chest feels heavy. I don’t know what this feeling inside of me is, whether it’s good or bad. I find it slightly hard to breathe, but it doesn’t bother me too much.

Funny, it’s not that difficult to look at him in the eyes anymore. Maybe I should take this moment to reconnect with him, perhaps try to be closer to him like we did before.

“Chris, why did you even go through all the trouble just to meet me back then? To see me and hang out with me? I mean, I appreciate it and all. But I just wanted to know why you stuck around. Or if you were actually happy being around me.”

Chris stares at me for a few moments. Was that question too honest? I’m starting to think that he chose to spend time with me because I’m a freak show and that he’ll make some money out of me.

Okay, I’m just being silly again.

“You were kind and patient with me, Fay, even when I was being a pain in the ass. Being with you, somehow it makes me feel like I’m home, no matter where I am. No one else would give me any time of from their day, except for Ruth.”

“The truth is… I was kind of lonely before you came.”

I’m going to cry. I wasn’t THAT kind. I was just trying to be a decent person, or as decent as I can be anyway.

“And don’t worry. I was never unhappy when we were together, Fay.”

At that moment, I can feel tears streaming down my face. Damn it, I promised myself years ago that I wouldn’t cry if a guy I like was being nice to me. Why am I so weak to contain my emotions, now of all times?

“Fay? I’m sorry if I said anything…“ Shut up, Chris. Enough being so apologetic to me.

“No, no, you didn’t.” What is he blaming himself for? I’m the one who’s being too emotional because someone said something nice to me.  I can’t help but let out a small laugh.

“It’s… It’s nothing. You’re just so sweet. I’m not really that great. I’m just a kid.” I’ve got to wipe off these tears. It’s like the rain just fell on my face. “But thanks anyway, for being nice to me.”

Chris pauses, looking as if he’s thinking of what to say.

Wait, what’s he doing?

His warm hand is on my cheek again, with his thumb slowly caressing my cheek to wipe my tears away. He gave me a tiny smile, but his eyes were staring right into mine, with all seriousness.

“I wasn’t lying, Fay.”

After hearing those words, I find myself placing my hand it on top of his as it’s on my cheek.

Should I… Should I say it?

Please, just say it now.

“Chris, I…”

…My pocket’s vibrating.

Wait a sec. That’s my phone.

Oh my God. My dad. I pull it out and… Yup, it’s my father. I am so screwed when I get back home. Better answer it then before the lion gets angrier.

“He… Hello? Dad?”

“Fay, I won’t even try to ask you where you are. I want you to come home right now! Do you even realize what time it is? I’ve been worried sick about you. Goddamn it, Fay!”

This is serious. My dad never used any swear words on me. Okay, I don’t know if ‘damn’ is actually a swear word, seeing as I use it most of the time. I can just imagine myself being hanged by him from somewhere in the basement. But all I can let out is just a sigh.

“Okay. I’ll be home, I promise. Bye.”

Quickly, I click the End Call button before I hear anymore yelling from him. I turn to Chris, who looks a bit guilty and uncertain. It didn’t went as I wanted it to, but there’s not really any time to dwell on it. I guess I better end it for now.

“I… I have to go. My father’s really furious that I’m not home yet. Thanks for the food.”

I hastily get up to leave. I have to practically drag my feet away from the table. I don’t want to separate from him, but my dad will call the army just to search for me.

“Fay, wait!” Chris calls me back.

I stop in my tracks and turn around to him. He stands up and approaches me. Ugh, even with all that time spent with him, I’m still blushing like mad.

“I’ll take you home. You shouldn’t have come here, but you did because of me. I feel responsible.”

I don’t need to be taken care of! This is my problem.

“It’s okay. I can go back by myself…”

“Fay!”

Shit, his voice is getting louder. His face seems to be frowning as well. Why? What did I ever do? Can people just not make me a target of their anger? I’m just trying to avoid troubling him.

“Look, I’m sorry, but I can’t let you leave by yourself to navigate around this city just to find the station, considering it’s already dark. Let alone letting you take a three hour train ride by yourself at night.”

He looks at his watch. “It’s already almost 8, Fay. It’s better if I take you home.”

I don’t know what to do. I mean, I can just picture my dad strangling him when I walk through the door of my home. And it wasn’t even his fault.

“Fine.” I can only whisper.

He smiles again, probably out of sympathy and maybe delight. Good to know I still can make people feel amused. He puts his arms around me, to my happiness and surprise as we’re walking away from the restaurant.

“Don’t worry. He’s not going to be mad at you… For too long.”

That’s not helping.

 

__________

I’m way too tired. I didn’t even speak to Chris throughout the three hour journey. In fact, I barely remember anything about the train ride. I was asleep for most of the time. The rest I spent being a nervous wreck over what my father’s reaction will be when I step into my home. Is he going to smack me in the face? Or just send me to my room and never let me out? Or never speak to me again?

However, all these thoughts vanish as soon as we arrived in my town. I can’t even walk straight as I try desperately to keep my heavy eyes opened. Chris is nice enough to hold my hand and guide me as we’re walking.

It’s kind of funny. I’m so used to his sweet behaviour that it no longer makes me uncomfortable. In fact, it makes me even more relaxed to be around him.

Here it is. The gate. Of the place that will doom me. My house.

We took a taxi to my house which Chris gladly paid for. I owe Chris like, fifty dollars already, for the train tickets, the food, and the taxi. I’ve got to apologize, but God, I’m so exhausted that I can’t even utter a word without taking in a huge breath.

“Thank you so much, Chris. I don’t know how to repay you.” That was all I could say before I ran out of breath.

Chris just shakes his head. Please don’t disagree with me. You’re going to guilt trip me to death.

“Don’t worry about it.”

He turns his gaze towards my house, which causes me to look at it too. I really don’t want to go in there. I will probably be executed and never see the light of day again.

“Do you want me to go in with you?”

That image of him being strangled quickly flashes in my mind.

“No, no! It’s okay. This is something I have to face by myself.” You know what? Despite all the crappy things I’ve done today, I feel a tiny bit proud to say that. I’m finally doing something by myself today.

“You sure?” Chris’ concerned look is making me change my mind, but no!

“It’s alright. You’ve been good to me. It’s time you rest.” I place my hand on his shoulder.

I suddenly have an instant recollection of when he was a ‘kid’, for some reason. But it was just so fast and I’m so tired that I ignore it.

“I’ll be staying in the town overnight. But I’m going back tomorrow to resolve a few matters.”

What things? I feel compelled to ask him, but the fact is, I’m drained of any energy I had left and I don’t want to be a nosy busybody.

“Okay. I’ll see you then.” I try to give a little grin.

Chris smiles back to me, and then holds my hand, gripping it tightly. After a few seconds, he lets it go slowly and puts my hand down.

No, please don’t go.

I… I change my mind. I’m reluctant to let go for one second, but I just have no more energy left to keep holding on. He walks back into the taxi and opens the door. Just before he gets inside, he looks back at me and gives me one small wave of goodbye.

That one image embedded into my mind for the night. Well, at least it’ll ease any pain that will be coming to me once I enter through the door. I wave back and watch him go with a heavy heart.

I look back at my house. I better get this over with. I mean, I can just sleep out here until tomorrow morning when he would’ve probably cooled off. But I prefer my soft, comfortable bed.

Ugh, okay. Here I go. I open the gate and walk towards the house slowly step by step until I reach the door. My heart is beating rapidly, but my whole entire body is turning numb from exhaustion. You know what, I don’t care anymore. If I have to pass out anywhere, it’s in my bed.

I open the door and there’s my father, on the couch in the living room.

Is he asleep?

Nope, he’s turning his head towards me. I can’t even bear to look at his disappointed, angry face. The carpeted floor was all I could stare at. Oh God, I can hear him walking towards me. Here comes the smack in the face.

Well, I’m ready! What are you waiting for?

Wait, he’s not slapping me.

He’s… hugging me…

My face is covered by his body, just leaving my eyes to stare above his shoulder.

“I was worried about you, damn it.” I don’t know why, but I feel like laughing and crying after hearing him say those things.

I guess he was worried sick about me that he couldn’t even hold on to any anger he had left anymore. God, dad… Please just say it to me straight. Don’t make me feel like this. I can’t even talk anymore.

“I’m sorry, dad. I was just looking for Chris.”

My father widens his eyes. He’s going to accuse Chris, I just know it. 

“But it’s not his fault. It was my own actions. He was just visiting his parents’ graves and I deliberately followed him on my own choice. I’m really, really sorry.”

There, I hope that’ll satisfy him enough. I don’t care anymore, I have to go to bed. Forget hygiene. I’ll take a shower in the morning. Just when I start to walk up the stairs, my dad stops me.

“Fay, I’m not mad at you. I just wish you would tell me where you went to all the time. Don’t leave me out of the loop. I wasn’t even angry at Chris. I know he’s a good person.”

“I… I just hoped that you would share more of your life with me. You’re… You’re the only one I have right now.”

Dad, why do you have to tell me these things right now? How am I supposed to sleep with all this guilt?

Since I don’t even have any more desire to say anything, all I can do is just keep quiet and walk away. As I take my steps, I had to stop myself from looking behind to see my dad’s face. He’s probably sad and hurt, seeing as I didn’t respond to his heartfelt words.

I’m sorry, I’m not really good at these sort of things. See what happened to me with Chris.

 

__________

 

I can’t sleep yet again. Even with the windows opened and the fact that it is pretty cool outside makes no difference. I keep tossing and turning with my eyes opened. All I can think about is Chris, my dad, school and well, life in general.

When will I be able to confess my feelings to Chris? I mean, I almost did several hours ago at the city, but that didn’t turn out well. I don’t think I have any ounce of courage left in me to do that ever again. You’d think that just saying a few words would mean nothing to someone like me, but it does.

“I love you.”

The movies make it sound so easy. They toss it around all the time to each other. Real life is a hundred times more difficult to live than fictional ones.

Hmm, I wonder what those matters Chris had to settle back in his hometown were. Probably has something to do with his parents or something. Though he seemed a bit more secretive than he usually is. Maybe there’s someone else he has to meet over there. Another family member, a long lost friend…

_Maybe even a girlfriend._

A girlfriend…?

No way. Chris doesn’t seem like the type to have a girlfriend. At least, from my point of view. Or maybe I’ve been looking at him as that kid I first met for a little too long.

Maybe it is true. Maybe he is in love with another person.

I feel so stupid, looking back at all those nice things he said to me. He probably meant it in a friendly, compassionate kind of way. What was I thinking trying to believe I was as good as any other girls? She’s probably a gorgeous chick compared to geeky old me. Okay, I’m not a geek.

Damn it. I’m never going to have any luck with love forever.

I should stop thinking too much.

 


	13. Chapter 12 - We've Come to a Mutual Understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Making up is easier than you expect.

 

One week until finals. And I’m sitting here, doodling away while the Miss Marpole gives a lecture up in front about the poems that might come out in the exam. I can’t concentrate. English is not exactly my favourite subject, but at least there are some parts of it that I am slightly interested in. Literature is not one of them.

I look around the class and see everyone writing their notes away with such passion and concentration. Come on, people. She’s talking about a poem for God sake. I haven’t seen such intensity in people’s eyes since watching people at the school gym work out.

Oh well, I might as well join them. I don’t want to be on the regret wagon when I finally take the English paper.

“That will be all for today. Make sure you revise back all the notes that I gave you. I don’t want to hear any complaints or painfully obvious questions.” Miss Marpole announces right before leaving class.

Somehow, what she said made me feel worse than better. Adults. They’re such joy killers.

Well, class is over. Miss Marpole slowly strides away from the classroom, waving goodbye to us. She’s not that bad, when I think about it. She’s pretty friendly with most students, chats with us whenever there’s a free period or whatnot. Well, at least she tries, even though she can be pretty outdated.

I get up from my seat to leave. Wow, I’m like one of the last few people here. My other mates have gone out for lunch. I have got to stop daydreaming. Better take it slow. No need to rush today.

Who’s that in the corner of my eye on my right? Blonde hair, skinny figure…

Darcy? God, I’ve got to start running. I don’t need any conflicts today.

“Wait a sec, Fay!”

Damn it, Darcy. Just as I am about to reach the door, she blocks me.

“I need to talk to you.”

My heart skips a beat. Okay, there’s no point of me being scared when Darcy wants to talk to me. In fact, it should, in all logical sense, piss me off. But hearing “I need to talk to you,” always somehow scare me half to death.

“What is it, Darcy?” Sheesh, does she have anymore insults she hasn’t shoved in my face yet?

“I don’t want to be put down by the likes of you today, so if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to the cafeteria.”

I feel like a real boss. Telling her off feels so good.

She stares me with a blank expression, which is puzzling, but it didn’t faze me. I take my step towards the hallway and leave her standing there. But then, I hear her voice.

“It’s kind of important. I hope you don’t mind.”

She sounds sincere. No hint of sarcasm or cynicism. I stop in my tracks and turn to her.

She’s not giving me the cold eyes that she always did ever since I talked back to her. In fact, she looks kind of desperate. Like she has a really huge secret she needs to spill. But why me? And why now of all times?

I guess I better listen to what she has to say.

“Okay, fine.”

 

__________

 

Looking at Darcy from afar, I wonder what she has on her mind. I haven’t spoken to her yet. She hasn’t said anything anyway. When we walked together to the cafeteria, none of us said a word. She just went to get her lunch while I sit here with my packed one. What does she want from me? Here she comes with her tray. Brace yourself, Fay Wells.

“Look, Darcy. I don’t want any more trouble, okay?” I find myself breaking the ice.

Darcy looks at me, raising her eyebrows. She shakes her head slightly. “I’m not asking for trouble.”

Then what the hell do you want?

“I just…” She’s pausing. Trying to spit out what she wants to say. Wow, if I didn’t know better, I’d say that this is- “-Want to apologize for the way I acted to you. And maybe Lana as well.” An apology.

Wow, this is a new step for her. I’m quite impressed, Darcy. However, I am still sceptical. People just don’t change overnight.

“Oh, okay then. But…” I am curious. “Why are you apologizing?”

Darcy stares at me with those blue eyes of her. Huh, I never actually acknowledged those features of her. Maybe I should stare at her eyes more often…

That sounded creepy.

“Look. I know I’ve acted like a bitch.” No comment from me. I’m agreeing with your statement there. “Mostly because of that Chris guy. But I have my reasons.”

“I want to know why you were so against him.”

She sighs, looking down on her tray of cafeteria food. Today’s lunch isn’t that bad. She looks at me, with surprisingly sad eyes.

…Okay, I wasn’t expecting that.

“Years ago…” Oh God, a flashback? She actually must be serious.

“Actually, about ten years ago, I had a really bad experience with…”

“Chris?” His name immediately drops out of my mouth while my jaw slowly drops.

Darcy widens her eyes and looks at me like I’m a freak. Okay, I am overreacting now. She didn’t even said who it was yet.

“With people like Chris. People who aren’t… mentally stable.”

Interesting. Ten years ago? She would have to be about seven or eight.

“What happened?”

“I was at home with my two little brothers. Watching TV in the living room as usual in the afternoon. My mom and dad were out at work and my nanny, Miss Frost was out for an errand.”

She pauses again, frowning and looking away. Come on, spit it out, Darcy. It must be hard to talk about it judging by the way you’re acting right now, but I need an explanation.

“Then, we heard a loud knocking on the door. It was forceful, like someone trying to break in. At that time, I knew Miss Frost would come in herself as she had a key to our house. And mom and dad told us not to open the door. So I just kept quiet, with my brothers together.”

This is starting to sound suspenseful. Different thoughts about Darcy run through my mind, but I refrain from having anything positive to feel about her just yet.

“It got louder and louder. And then, I heard a man’s voice from the door, yelling at us, saying horrible things and threatening to kill us.”

Oh God.

That sounds horrible. If I were her at that age, I would have freaked out and cried. But she had her brothers to look after.

“I panicked, but I didn’t move from the couch. And at that moment…”

She stops again, but her voice is starting to thicken up, like she wants to cry. Oh, no. I’m not really good with handling emotional people. But… But I guess I have to hold her hand. Comfort her or something. That’s what I think I should do anyway. God, I’m so awkward.

“The door broke open and there was this crazy guy with messy hair and wild eyes. He was wearing something sort of like one of those hospital gowns. He walked towards us with this angry look on his face. We all started to run and I told my brothers to go upstairs. I followed them from behind. But suddenly, a hand grabbed me on the leg. I fell down and looked behind. It was the man. His face… He just looked so…”

She covers her face with her hand. Man, I never thought I’d get this today: an emotional, traumatic story from the girl that I hated. Now I feel bad for almost calling her a bitch before.

“So then, what happened?”

“Thankfully, Miss Frost was back from her errand at that moment. She used pepper spray on him and our neighbours came to help.” She sighs and lets out a long breath.

Well, what can I say to that? I understand now that her hate towards people like Chris is because of her traumatic childhood experience, but I can’t even let out a word. I need to take in all these information in before I can actually say something.

“The man was actually a mental patient who escaped from a psychiatric hospital nearby. He used to live in my neighbourhood. I guess that’s why he broke into my house. He thought it was his. My parents heard about what happened and we moved here a month later.” I hear what she’s saying, but I’m still trying to take it all in.

“That’s why I am the way I am.”

Wait, what? That snapped me out of it. You are the bossy, self-absorbed girl that you are because of that experience?

“I know I’m controlling. I know I act like I’m the boss all the time. And that I’ve insulted Chris. But you should understand why. It’s because… I actually care about you, Fay.”

Wow.

That’s like the third confession I’ve received. Why do people like me so much anyway? But hearing those words from Darcy, just makes it all the more difficult to accept. This was the girl I hated, but it was for the wrong reasons. In fact, maybe I shouldn’t have hated her at all. God, I feel so guilty now.

“I see you as my younger sister, you know. Being the eldest, I treat my friends as if they’re all younger than me and as if I’m the oldest. That’s why I’ve got to be the leader of the pack.” Okay, I am a month older than you. I know I’m short, but height does not determine age! 

“And when I think about Chris… I’d always see that crazy guy who came to my house that day.”

I slowly nod when I finished listening to her whole story. This gave me a new perspective. Her perspective.

I understand that she’s scared for me when I’m with Chris and possibly hated Chris. And that she acts like she’s the boss most of the time.

But I’ve got to set things straight with her. Chris is not that man she encountered as a child. My hand reaches out to hers, and she looks up to me, surprised by my gesture. Hey, first time for everything, right?

“Darcy, I understand now. Actually, I…” Well, might as well tell the truth. “I kind of hated you when we were friends.”

She lets out a tiny gasp. Did… Did I hurt her feelings? Of course I did. Why am I so dumb?

“But it’s only because I was jealous of you, you know.”

Okay, now she looks slightly relieved.

“You were always so in control and you have people who would give their right arm just to be you.” She smiles at me. And I see a little head shaking there. Maybe she disagrees? But she’s not saying anything.

“But I have to let you know that Chris isn’t anything like that. And he won’t be anymore, if you still assume he is.” She raises her eyebrow. She probably doesn’t know what the hell I’m talking about.

“Look, Chris… He’s just like me, you know. He lost people that he loved. He was lonely and hurt. That’s why being with him… I don’t really feel out of place. I can just be with him and not feel like an outcast. He trusts me and makes me feel welcomed in his life all the time. Like, I actually am an important person.”

Darcy still looks a bit hesitant to believe me. Okay then.

“Chris changed, Darcy.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s not that ‘mentally unstable’ person anymore. It was all just some sort of phase he was going through. Now, he’s just a regular old guy. I do appreciate your concern but don’t worry about it anymore, okay?”

There’s an awkward silence between us. Okay, what now? I look away uneasily. Darcy leans closer to me from my side, curious, I’m guessing.

“So, what’s he like? You know, his real self?”

What? Darcy wants to know about Chris? This is a real surprise.

But it’s a pleasant one.

“He’s a good man.” That’s all that she needs to know.

She backs up a little, but then smiles at me, probably approving. As much as I don’t need her consent, I’m glad she gives it anyway.

“That’s good to know.”

 

 


	14. Chapter 13 - My Life for Now is Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As one life ends, another one begins?

 

Today marks the first day after the end of finals. My God, the exam was hard. I don’t think I did exceptionally well, but I think I can pass. I’m sitting here in the classroom where a bunch of other people, just relaxing and talking to each other. Why did I even bother coming to school?

Oh right, I had to settle some things with graduation. Oh crap. Graduation! It’s in two weeks’ time. I am so not prepared. As much as I would like to run around and settle my graduation stuff, I’d rather just stay here, on my desk, staring outside the window.

“Hey, Fay!”

Ow! I hit someone’s head when I got up from laying my head on my arms. Damn it. I rub my forehead in pain. That’s it. Who’s that no good person who hit me…

Oh, it’s just Lana.

“Lana, watch where you’re yelling at me.” I warn her.

She smiles apologetically. Yeah, yeah. “Sorry. I was just so excited. I came to ask you if you got any offer letters yet these past few weeks.”

Offer letters? Oh, right. From colleges and universities. As I recall, I do have a one or two lying around in my house. I haven’t opened them yet though.

“Yeah, I got some. But I didn’t open them yet. I was hoping to wait for one more week when we get our results.”

Man, I might regret that decision later. What if the offers don’t last for a few more weeks? Then I’m going to become a bum living in the street because my dad kicked me out and I don’t have a college degree because I accepted the offer too late… Or maybe I just need to chill. Huh, I have yet to ask Lana what she got.

“So, did you get anything? I’m sure as a candidate for valedictorian, you must have gotten like a ton of letters from all prestigious universities in the world.” I tease her.

Hey, she’s a braniac and less of a loser than I am. I might as well make a joke out of it to make myself feel better.

Lana narrows her eyes. “Don’t exaggerate. I’m just a candidate, remember? I got less chance to win than Harry Linen. And besides, I only got a few letters as well.”

Typical Lana, being a humble human being. Her definition of ‘a few’ is probably equivalent to TEN anyway.

“I can’t believe we’re almost going to end our school life here.” Lana tells me. Well, no duh.

“We already have when we did the final exam.”

“I mean, we won’t be able to see each other that often anymore.”

Reality check. I never thought of that.

I always thought time would stop after school finished. That maybe, nothing has to change other than the fact that we don’t have to go to school anymore. I can’t really say anything after hearing that. I have to start thinking about what I’m going to do when I separate from Lana, my father, this town…

“So what about Chris?”

That name. I haven’t heard it in a while.

Oh, that’s right. Chris went back to his city because he needed to settle some business.

But how long has it been? It was almost a month ago. I never heard anything from him ever since.

“I don’t know. Last I saw him, he was going back to his home in the city to take care of a few things.”

It hurts to remember him. I mean, yeah, I’m a little bit sad that he didn’t come back to see me or anything. I know he’s probably busy since he is an adult and he’s got a lot to settle like bills, rents, cars and jobs. But it hurts more when I actually find it almost easy to just forget about him after a while. I thought he was supposed to be one of the most important people in my life. How can I be so cold and just let go of him that easily?

“Maybe you should go see him or something. Not by yourself, of course. We wouldn’t want you to get lost in the streets again now, do we?”

She’s giving me this obnoxious smile. Ugh. I should’ve never told Lana about my misadventures in the city.

 

__________

 

This is it. The finale. The end of everything. The final countdown. Showdown. DOOMSDAY.

Okay, now I’m just over exaggerating. Today marks the last day I’ll ever be in school. It’s my graduation. I’m sitting on my bed, in the early morning, and find myself sighing and staring blankly at the walls. Damn it. Why did I have to wake up so early today? The registration isn’t until 10. And now, it’s only 8 and I’m already bathed, dressed and in my graduation robes. God, I’m such a geek.

I don’t even know what I’m so nervous about anyway. I mean, I don’t have to take anymore agonizing exams that sucked my soul out. I don’t have to worry about my socially incompetent life in high school. In fact, I don’t have to worry about my grades either.

I got my results a few days ago. Well, it’s no four pointers but it looks pretty okay. At least I’m qualified to study in some of the colleges that offered me a place.

Then… what the hell am I so nervous about?

I mean, looking at my current situation, it seems to be alright. Is it because of today? Graduation ceremony is making me nervous? Maybe I’ll just be unintentionally funny again and trip on stage while trying to get my diploma. I can just imagine it, being the laughing stock of the school right before I leave. Or maybe it’s because I’m going off to college soon. How am I going to cope with all those new faces staring at me, not knowing who I am and how to treat me? My reputation as an accidental clown will probably live on till college. Scratch that, maybe until the end of my life.

I better take a last minute check in the mirror, just to make sure that there’s no toilet paper hanging on my back or something. Today’s not the day to have an embarrassing incident. Well, my outfit looks okay, other than my robe looking more like an oversized poncho rather than a graduation robe. Ah well, it’s borrowed anyway.

I try giving a smile and glance at my face. I am such a dork. But dorks have needs too, damn it. I need to look my best, make a lasting impression on all my schoolmates before bidding them farewell.

Hmm. I didn’t know I had some make up stuff in here. Of course, that eye shadow was my mother’s and Lana gave me that lip balm. But I don’t recall having that eyeliner and that lipstick…

Oh right. My dad gave them to me on my birthday. I don’t know if he was being sincere or he was doing it as a joke. I look at my face.

It looks so… plain. Ugh, I might as well make it less… lifeless. I grab everything and start working. Man, I’m turning into a real girl.

“Well, look at you.”

Gah, I’ve been caught. Dad’s going to make fun of me for at least the next three years or so.

“Touching up your face like that. If I didn’t know any better, I’d assume you’re putting on makeup like a real girl.”

I turn my head towards my dad who was at the door, leaning and crossing his arms, with this stupid smirk on his face. Okay, fine. I’ll allow him to tease me on occasion for the next two years, tops.

“Yes, I’m a real girl now. What do you want?” I give him my usual sarcastic look.

“Haha, I’m just here to see my daughter’s final transformation.” That sounded like something from Power Rangers.

Dad walks towards me and places his hand on my shoulder, giving me this joking smile. I am so over the fact that I am a tomboy. You just watch me. In a few years, I’ll probably be a supermodel.

Okay, fantasizing about something that will never happen in a million years isn’t going to help me.

Dad stands beside me, looking at the mirror, with this melancholic expression. It makes me feel kind of bad for him, but I wished he would stop being so sad already.

“I wish your mom was here to see you.”

Those words hurt me. I never want to hear that kind of talk. Especially coming from him, because I knew how much pain it caused just to mention mom in a conversation. But he looks miserable, a reflection of what I feel.

I know it’s been a long time since her death. I’ve gotten over it. I can only imagine how he’s feeling all this time. Maybe he’s over it, he hides it really well. But maybe he’s been putting a mask all this time. All I can say is…

“I know. Me too.”

 

__________

 

Hats. Graduations hats everywhere. The ceremony is finally over, thank God. Now everyone is doing the whole typical, hat-throwing ritual at the end of the principal’s speech. My dad’s at my side, talking with the other parents, including Lana’s.

Now that I think about it, my dad is so open to everyone, always taking his time to socialize with other people. He never keeps to himself or us for that matter. Me on the other hand, I would rather just get it over with it and leave the second it finishes. Maybe I should learn something from my dad.

“Well, what’s the plan for Fay, Jack?” Lana’s mom asked my dad with a smile and looks at me. God, I feel awkward.

Dad just lets out a small chuckle and a shrug. “It’s up to her. She got a few offers upstate, so we’ll see how it goes.“

Oh boy, here goes the bragging-about-your-children part. “I know Lana’s probably going to some prestigious law school. Isn’t that right, Lana?”

Lana nods and gives my dad a big grin.

You know what, today is just such a positive, happy day. Everyone has a smile on their faces. Nobody is sulking or frowning. What’s there to frown about? This day marks the day when everyone has successfully passed a stage in their lives.

In the distance, I see Darcy with her family. She’s smiling in a way I don’t seem to despise her. It’s a genuine smile, where you’re just content with what you have instead of smiling at the misery of others. Yeah, I know I’ve made up with her a while ago, but you never know if a person might want to change back to the way they were before. Hey, I have to be cautious sometimes okay?

Wait… My eyes spot someone familiar.

That man over there. From behind, it appears to be that guy. I want to call out to him so badly, but I do have past bad experiences of calling out to the wrong person

Oh well, I don’t think there’s anything embarrassing about calling out to the wrong guy.

“Chris?”

I half hoped that it’s him and half wished that it wasn’t, because it’s been so long and I have almost forgotten about how to react around him.

He’s turning around. Why does it feel like one of those slow-motion moments in a movie where the suspense is just building like crazy? Damn it, Fay, why are you such a spaz?

It is him. His tall physique standing in front of me, facing me, with his gentle, smiling face, a stark contrast with his serious eyes.

I’ve realized that even though I might have been unaware of it, I did miss him a lot even when I’m not thinking about him that much since the last time I saw him. I’ve missed the way he looks, the way he acts, the way he’s there for me…

“Fay.”

He only said my name and my heart is already doing jumping jacks inside my chest. What is it with me and my heart’s extreme response to minor things?

“It’s so good to see you again. Congratulations.”

He approaches me and grabs my whole body into an embrace. The moment he touched me, I wanted to gasp, but that would make me look like an idiot. So I try to keep my startled reaction in as much as possible. He moves away but still keeps his arms around me. I can feel myself blushing. I hope the blusher covers up my cheeks well.

Wait, I haven’t seen him in a long time. About a month ago. My brain tells me that I demand an answer.

“Chris, where…”

What should I ask actually? Where he was? I mean, it’s his right to be wherever he wants to be. “Where have you been? I haven’t seen you… around.” Smooth, Fay. Smooth.

He shows his smile to me in an apologetic way.

“I’m sorry. I had to get a few things done back at the city.”

“Yeah, what things?”

I suddenly realized that that question made me sound like a jealous girlfriend. I’m not even officially dating Chris and I’m being envious. Possibly for no apparent reason.

Chris widens his eyes at me, probably in surprise, and looks away. Even with this entire crowd around us, it’s seems so quiet between us.

Great, now I regret even asking him. It’s like I’m not even happy to see him, but more interested to know where he’s been instead. What kind of a friend am I?

“Look, I’m sorry.” Better apologize before things get even worse.

“I’m…” What else do I say? “I’m happy to see you too. I’ve… missed you.”

What the hell? I’m practically blurting out my feelings to him! Gah, how can I be so straightforward?

He falls silent. Then, he lets go of the embrace and slightly turns his body away from me, looking down to the ground.

Oh no. That did it. My stupid touchy feely confession probably scared him off. Why do I mess up every time?  Why did I have to be so hopeless?

“Oh, I mean… I… I haven’t seen you around in a while, so… So I was just thinking about where you were all the time… No, I mean... I mean not all the time…”

Oh God, my train-wreck of an answer is probably going to put me in his restraining order list. Damn it!

“Ahahahahahaha….”

He’s laughing. Glad to know I’m still an amusing person. It does make me feel more relieved.

“I love you, Fay.”

…

Wha… What?

Those words didn’t even sink into my brain until ten seconds later.  I… I don’t even know that was going to pop out of him. I thought that I was the only one that might actually… harbour any feelings for him?

I… I get it! This is a dream, and I’m going to wake up seconds later after I fall into a hole somewhere.

“I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have waited until now to say it.”

Why the hell is he constantly apologizing to me? It’s pushing me to the brink of annoyance.

“What… Why are you sorry? I’m the one who’s such a klutz all the time… I probably wasted too much of your time…”

“I’m… I’m taking a long trip.”

He interrupted me before I could stammer on any longer. Thank you, Chris.

“Around the world. Taking pictures, earning some money for myself, see the world… Maybe try to change it for the better, if I’m ever that ambitious, ahahah.” Even with his attempt to tell a joke, reality starts to sink into my mind. This doesn’t feel like a dream.

He’s leaving. Does that mean I’m not going to see him again or is it just temporary? I’m so stunned that I can’t say anything or even look at him.

“It’s what I’ve wanted to do for a while, since before the accident. I… just… didn’t expect to meet you.”

I don’t know where this is going.

Chris sighs and turns to face me. I just can’t feel anything right now. I know it’s supposed to be a joyous occasion, but when he turns up, it always causes a disturbance in the normalcy of my emotions. It’s not really a bad thing. It’s an addicting feeling somewhat.

“Fay, I know it’s bad to use separation as an excuse to let out my true feelings. I should have been man enough to say it when there wasn’t any complication.

But I just can’t delay it anymore. I want you to know that I care about you, and I owe you my entire life.”

He’s just being thankful to me. I didn’t even do much.

“But just because I’m grateful, doesn’t mean I don’t love you honestly. Yeah, you’re kind and smart and funny but those aren’t the reasons.”

He’s going to make me cry again. This has got to be a record of how many times one guy can make me cry.

“I love you just for being in my life. And I’m fine with that.”

Chris stops and sighs. He looks kind of relieved. Did he keep this feeling to himself for a long time too?

“It’s alright if you don’t feel the same way.” He adds. Are you kidding me?

 “I…”

I find my mouth opening by itself and letting out my voice. I guess it’s time to be brave and do it.

“I love you too.”

Chris turns his gaze at me with a surprised look on his face. I don’t know if he’s pleased or the other way around. Either way, I’m terrified. He then smiles and snickers a bit.

Well, that wasn’t very nice. You’re confessing to me is a serious thing but for me, it’s a joke? Okay, fine. I’m going to go back to my dad and mingle with my other friends. I don’t need anyone to look down on what I gather a lot of courage to do.

Suddenly, I feel his hand grabbing me by my wrist. It’s doesn’t feel forceful. It’s gentle, but firm.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I was so worried all the time when I was back in my home. I was afraid you were going to refuse my feelings.” He starts to laugh even louder this time, but I don’t feel offended anymore.

I guess it is sort of funny how similar we feel about each other even though both of us couldn’t be more different. I find myself laughing too.

“Are you kidding? How do you think I felt, you idiot? My whole life, I don’t even have one guy look at me for a maximum of fifteen seconds.”

Suddenly, he stops and widens his eyes. He then proceeds to laugh even harder than before. It’s not too loud or over the top but it’s an honest laugh. What have I done? I laugh along with him. What the hell happened to my sense of humour?

A while later, we finally stop our chuckling fest and take a few moments to catch our breaths and think about what just happened. A silence fell among us as I try to remember back what we talked about just now.

Oh. Right. He’s… leaving. Thinking about that brings my good mood back down.

“I… I’m sorry, but I have to go. Got a lot of stuff to pack before I’m taking off to Europe.”

“When is that?”

He hesitates. Is he having second thoughts to go? I don’t want him to have any regrets or guilt, especially if it’s because of me.

“Next week. On Friday.”

“Oh... Will you ever… you know, come back here?”

“I…”

He’s stopping. Don’t stop. I want to know your answer. Please don’t keep me in suspense.

“I don’t know, Fay. I mean, I don’t plan on living in this town anymore since I’ve got my home back in the city. Plus I’m going to be away for a long time.”

I really wish this is a dream right now. You know what? I give up. What’s the point anyway?  I’m going to be in college and he’s probably going to be having the time of his life somewhere in a quaint town in… in… Switzerland!

I don’t even know why I even came up with Switzerland. I think I’m just craving come cheese right now.

As I ponder some more about the situation, warmth slowly hugs my hand. Chris’ hands grasps my own. I look at him and he shows me his best smile.

“But since you’re here, I guess there’s a reason to come back after all.”

 


	15. Chapter 14 - Goodbye is Never Sweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Farewell is inevitable, but will we see each other again?

 

 

How long have I been laying here? My eyes are fixed on the blank white ceiling as my back rests on my warm (maybe too warm) bed. I feel my back is starting to itch with hotness, but I just can’t move. I think it’s past noon already. The sun’s glaring rays are reflecting in my room, but I don’t even want to give a shit. I’m just too emotionally exhausted. But why? Why am I so reluctant to even make a single move for today?

…Oh…

Chris is leaving today. He’s taking a train from the station in his city to the airport where he’s going to take off to France. Well, it’s no Switzerland, but at least they speak the same language. He’ll be leaving in a few hours.

Why do I feel the constant need to remind myself this? Maybe it’s because I haven’t even moved from this bed. Ugh, what’s wrong with me? Any normal person would already have been dressed and got ready to go, or better yet, be with him for 24 hours before he departs. But nope. I’m here. I don’t even want to lift a finger.

“Fay? Are you going or what?”

My dad’s voice startled me. I get up as quick as a lightning, probably on reflex after hearing him by the door all of a sudden. He really needs to learn how to knock or something.

“Sheesh, dad. You scared me.”

My father just stares at me without any feedback. Oh, waiting for my answer, I’m guessing.

“I don’t know, dad. I just… I mean, I saw him at my graduation, I think that’s enough. And we said our honest feelings then.”

What the hell was that answer? It sounded straight out of a bullshit, lazy, excuses-generating machine. I hate myself! My father looks at me, seemingly kind of furious but at the same time, holding back. I guess I deserve it.

“What are you talking about, Fay? This might be the last time you’ll see him, maybe in a long time.”

My heart feels heavy. It’s not that I don’t want to see him…

“I just don’t want to. I…”

“Fay Wells!”

Goddamn it, why is he yelling at me? You know, about one or two months ago, he would’ve keeled over with satisfaction at my reaction right now, since he didn’t even like Chris back then. But now, what gives him the right to be angry at me over this? I stand on my feet and face him.

“Look dad! I know Chris is going away. I know he will never come back here. I’m fine with that! He wants to travel, that’s fine! He can just leave me here. I’ll be okay! I’m not some weak, emotional, dependent girl who needs someone she fell in love with to be with her ALL THE TIME!”

That took a lot out of me. Deep inside, I feel angry and hurt, but most of all, sad. I find myself breathing heavily after I finish blurting out all the thoughts that ran through my mind.

Why does it hurt so much though? Just to hear myself say those words? I hate it. I hate it so much. Without realizing, I feel my eyes begin to swell, and my vision becomes blurry. God, do I really need to cry right now?

“Fay.”

My father steps closer to me and puts me in his arms. I despise feeling like this. Like I need someone to hold me for comfort. But I guess sometimes I need it, even if I refuse. I’m such a mess.

“It’s all the more reason to go. I know you love him.”

Crap. I guess even my father had to know sooner or later.

“I just… I don’t know what else to say to him. He’s not going to just leave his plans for me, I know that. I don’t want him to. But… What should I say?”

My father stays silent for a second, and then smiled.

“Just remind him why he needs to come back. That’s all.”

I know this already. Chris said a similar thing to me at my graduation. Why don’t I feel comforted when he said it? Before I can say anything else, my father cuts me off with his last words for that moment.

“Don’t you worry, darling. I know he will.”

 

__________

 

I’m here. Honest to God, I made it here. I ran all the way from the parking lot, where my father is. I am so grateful I have a father who has a car and able to drive. I might not be before, but this moment has led me to realize how fortunate I am.

Okay, forget about that now. I have to catch my breath, seriously.

As I enter the train station, I gained a stinging headache. There’s quite a huge crowd scattered everywhere. Well, it is the city after all. It’s no little town with population less than a thousand. Not only that, but people are just coming from every direction with no order. Everyone’s wearing different colours, so it’ll be hard to spot anybody that can possibly stand out.

Great. How am I supposed to find Chris here? At least there’s a train awaiting by the platform, so that’s got to be it. The train to the airport.

I’ll just check the clock then. Forget my watch as I know it won’t be the same with the train station’s time. As I scan around for the clock, I see it.

Oh shit. Another three minutes until it departs. Crap, crap, crap. My feet just move by themselves as my head rotates around in desperation, my eyes seeking for that figure. I run around by the train, hoping to catch him. Dear God, I really hope he didn’t board the train already.

Two minutes.  I feel like crying now. I… I can’t find him. Maybe it’s never meant to be.  I’ll never get to say my goodbye face-to-face. I know I’m being immature as I can probably just text him or call him to do it, but all I want to do is see his face and just say what’s on my mind.

…No.

No! I can’t give up. My legs give out one last run along the train. I keep my eyes opened. I gasp for breath as my lungs grew tired, but I keep persevering. Just another minute please.

I see him. That figure, his back is facing my direction. God, he’s so far. I am not fully certain that it’s him, but hell, that doesn’t matter now. I’m calling out to him.

“Chris!” Please let it be him.

The man turns around. His face, it’s him. That spiky, almost unruly hair. Those serious eyes. Chris’ face looks surprised the instant his eyes fell on me. His mouth however, starts to carve into a smile. Shit, I never realized how much I’ve deprived myself of just the sight of him.

I’m getting closer, as I run hastily towards him. I can only think of one thing to do at that moment.

As I finally reach him, my arms instantaneously open and wrap around him.

I miss him. His strong body, his scent, his face, his everything. A moment after, I feel his arms slowly embracing my whole body as well. If there was ever a time I was truly happy with all my heart, this moment would be one of those times.

“I’ve waited for you, Fay. I’m sorry it was so hard to find me.” Even in this crucial time, he’s trying to be apologetic. I wish he’d shut up already.

“You’re sorry?! I’m the one who took my sweet time getting here, dumbass.”

Chris turns to look at me. I stare back into his eyes. After a few seconds, we let out a laugh. Even when the inevitable is happening, we still find time to see amusement in ourselves.

“Alright, everyone aboard! The train will be leaving!”

There’s so much more I need to say. I look at Chris, in hopes that the image I see will last longer than this moment. But even he looks away towards the train, with obvious worry in his eyes.

Without much thought, I lean closer to his face and place my lips against his. It’s warm, as what I expected of him. After a few seconds, I pull away, looking at his slightly blushed face, which seems to be smiling in relief.

That was my first kiss of my life, and I’m glad it was with him. I’m glad it was this moment. It almost seem out of a fictional story, the ones you read in books or the ones you see in movies. But I thank God that it’s a reality this very second. Chris tilts his head down and sighs. He then leans closer to me and hugs me for one last time, as he whispers into my ears.

“I’ll be back. I promise.”

I already know what to say.

“I’ll be here. No matter what.”

We let go of each other slowly as our arms fall to our sides. Chris turns his back on me and walks sluggishly to the train door near him, without looking back at me. It does hurt to see him never turning towards me, just to say goodbye. Just to see me for one last time.

But I guess it probably hurts more for him, in some way. With a heavy heart that felt as if it has been stabbed, I stare after him until he was inside.

Even as the train is leaving and people are clearing the area, I couldn’t move at all. My gaze freezes onto the train.  As it slowly starts to take off, my body starts to move again.

I need to chase this train. I don’t know why, I just have to. Just hoping that he’ll see me from where he is in the train. Okay, that’s not a possibility, but I don’t care.

I’m running. I’m chasing after it. The train picks up speed and I fall behind. No! I’m going to make it to the end of this platform. I don’t even know why I’m doing this silly thing, but for once, I won’t give a shit. I’m doing it.

As I reach the end of the platform, I stop my tracks. I was unaware of it, but my lungs immediately call for air in desperation and I had to take in huge breaths. I rest my hands on my knees as I take a moment to rest. I slowly stand up and watch the train go. It’s so small now, I can barely see it.

It disappeared.

I… don’t want to move away. I just feel like staying here in this very spot, looking on.

The fact of the matter is, he’s gone. For now. Even though I feel sadness slowly flowing all over me, there was also a sense of relief. I did what I came here to do. There are no more regrets.

But a promise is a promise. Someday he’ll return.

And I’ll be waiting.

 


	16. Epilogue - I'm Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eight years go by, has anything stayed the same?

 

 

What time is it? Goddamn it, I slept too long. Did I miss my stop? Shit, shit, shit.

I get up from my seat and take a look around. Well, there’s still a lot of passengers. I think I still haven’t reached my town yet. I take a glance outside the window next to my seat. Yeah, we’re almost there. Thank God. I don’t want to have miss my train stop again for the hundredth time this year.

Alright, it’s not a hundred, but there’s got to be at least twenty times that I got off on the wrong train station. Silly old me.

The train slows down as it reaches the station at my hometown. I grab my travel bag and walk slowly to the door, awaiting its opening.

How long have I been away from here? I mean I did went back a couple of times when I was in college. However, since I started working, I rarely came back anymore. I’ve been too focused on my work and expenses that I forgot about this town. My home, my father, my friends... I feel so guilty just thinking about it.

As I walk towards the exit, I turn my head to the back, looking towards the station. Long gone the days where the station was empty most of the time, and having a traditional design. Instead today, as I gaze upon it, it looks more modern and developed. I am a little proud of my town, to be growing more and more as a bigger place with more riches and people than I could ever imagine.

Okay, I think that’s enough poetic inner ranting from me.

Well, there’s a taxi over there. I quickly walk towards the car and peek at the front seat. There’s a driver, seemingly in his middle age, looking at me with curiosity. I can’t help but smile in amusement at his expression from his gentle-looking face. I gesture a nod towards the driver as he nods back, indicating to me that he’s available. Well, alright then.

“Where to, miss?

I enter the back seat, close the door and pause for a bit.

“I’m going home.”

 

__________

Crap, I better call my dad. I totally forgot to inform him about me coming here right now. I mean I did tell him I was coming, what kind of irresponsible person would I be if I didn’t? I just didn’t mention about the time. Oops.

I whip out my cell phone from my handbag and dialled his cell number. As I hear the ringtone beeping, I thought of what to say to announce my arrival. Is it me, or do I sound like a very self-important person? Oh well, just this once.

“Hello?” Yup. He’s there at least.

“Hi, dad. It’s me.”

“Oh Fay! What time will you be arriving?” Oh boy. Here we go.

“Actually, I’m on my way right now. I’m in a taxi from the station, so I should be arriving in ten minutes.”

“Ten minutes! I’m still at work, Fay! The house is locked and the gate’s been replaced.” There we go, my father.

“Relax, dad. I can just hang around town for a while. Besides, I do have the house keys, you know.” As usual, I have to tell my dad to relax.

“Fine. Next time, let me know earlier when you’re coming. I see you’re still as slow as always, Fay. When will you change?” I sigh.

“Just playing with ya, honey. Don’t ever change for me.” He lets out a chuckle. Dad got a bit looser since I’ve been gone. In response to him, I let out a little laugh too.

It’s nice to know something never change in my father. And that something is his terrible sense of humour.

“Alright dad. I’ll see you at home soon.”

 

__________

 

Because I have to wait for another hour, I decided to walk around the town, maybe just freshen up my memory a little bit. I walked by the shops, which have grown considerably in numbers, and size as well.

Since I was a little hungry, I grabbed a snack from the old deli I used to go to. I’m glad that it’s still standing, and have been renovated into newer look as well. The food stays the same, but that’s how I liked it. As I walk further, I see the neighbourhood around the corner.

That’s… Where it is.

Should I go there and see? I was planning to sit in the park or at least read some books in the local library. I’m such a nerd.

Well, it wouldn’t hurt. I haven’t seen it in a long time. I finish my food and throw the wrapping papers into the nearest waste bin. See, I am still a nerd after all these years, being all goody two shoes and stuff. Okay, I’m rambling in my mind again. When will I ever stop?

I slowly walk along the houses in the neighbourhood, anticipating as I approach the house I’ve been wanting to see. My head is lowered as I keep my gaze to the ground. What do I want to see exactly? I mean the house is probably occupied by other people, seeing as it was sold the last time I heard. Or maybe it’s just abandoned now, come to think of it. Who knows?

Without realizing it, I reach the front yard. I feel a little nervous to see what’s become of it. I tilt my head up and observe the house. Or whatever’s left of it.

Huh. It hasn’t changed at all.

It looks the same as before. I mean of course, it wasn’t much back then either. But even so, the yard looks a little messier with the grass growing longer than it should. I guess there wasn’t anyone who was looking after this house.

It feels a little bit nostalgic to look at this place. I didn’t live here. But he did. I remember the first time I came here, it was almost out of fear. Now that I think about it, it was pretty hilarious. I can’t help but smile at the thought.

Well, I’ve been here long enough. All I did was stare at this house, with a sense of yearning. Yearning for all those good times. And maybe him. I haven’t seen him since that day, but I did try my best to keep in contact with him all the time. He seemed pretty pleased to be connected with me too.

Somehow, I am a little bit happy just to see it again. It would have been perfect if… Ah, forget it.

I sigh heavily as I take one last look at the house. Time to go, girl.

“Nice to see you again, Fay.”

That… voice…

I turn to my right, where I heard it.

I can’t believe my eyes, but who am I kidding? I’ve waited all this time.

The sight of it makes my mouth widen into a smile. My heart beats swiftly and I feel that warmth slowly rushing all over me again.

That tall figure. That kind smile. Those gentle, thoughtful eyes. Standing a few feet from me.

There’s only one thing I could say.

“Welcome back.”

 

 

 

THE END.

 


End file.
